Christmas holidays....

Christmas was a blast! I got awesome things! I got this beautiful watch and sweater from the BFs mom, a wonderful skein of yarn from his sister and bro in law, a great dvd from the BF, and a book from his mum again! It was great! I may have only gotten a few gifts but I loved them all and the thought that was put into them. I did the same, only I got everyone a single gift. Except the BF and his nephews. I got the boys a gift to share and the BF's present had little goodies in it. In his body pillow, there was chocolate and a dvd for him to watch lol. Over all Christmas was great! Hope all my readers had a great one as well.

Just a note, I would really love to hear from the people who have read my blog thus far. It would really mean a lot to me if someone were to tell me what they thought of my words as they come out.

Toodles!

Perhaps we all need to open our eyes?

Perhaps we need to open our eyes and read between the lines?

Just watching some news that isn't really tied to any major network.

Feeling Stupid

I feel like an idiot. I've been letting fears get in the way of my being happy. I've let one person's words worm their way into my head and heart and now I'm pay ing for it in the worst ways possible

The weekend

Things were...interesting this weekend. I offered to watch the BF's nephews, believing it was going to be only for the after noon, imagine my surprise when I find out his sis and her husband were going to be gone all night and I would have the kiddos that long >.< Now, don't take this wrong, if she had asked, I would have said yes, but it did tick me off that she assumed I would be willing. I did wind up watching the kiddos all night and thankfully the BF came over to his mum's after work. Like a respectful man, he slept on the couch, holding guard, while I slept in the spare room and the kiddos slept in their grandma's bed. I did enjoy it and I was glad the BF called his sis and made it clear she has to ask from now on if I'll watch the kiddos over night and not just assume I will.

I am looking forward to X-mas this year. This will be the first year where I think I'll actually feel welcome in a house since before my grandma died. The last few years, each Christmas, no matter where I go or who I am with, even if it's my own family, I've felt like an outsider. I hope to eventually have a holiday where I don't feel like I'm just along for the ride.

I am seriously hating this professor....his requirements are simply ridiculous and overtly demanding. How am I suppose to write a 5 page paper on 2 resources! >.<

Le Sigh

Today has been a Le Sigh day. Woke up with a headache so I stayed in bed for a bit. Next time I regained consciousness it was nearly noon and I had work today. So I did the "Oh crap!" Scramble and headed off for work which as usual when I wake up late or am not feeling well, is a disaster. Got done with work in time to head to the yarn shop and knit a bit. That relaxed me for a while. Then I stopped for food at Denny's and spent time with the ladies there since I am a bit of a regular. It's crazy to think that I am a regular at a Denny's lol, but sadly I am, even if I just stop in for a soda they know me. Once I was done there I headed home and commenced to do my paper work for my job and got onto Facebook where a "Friend" decided that she knew more about my job then I did. Hopefully once she's up at her university I won't have to deal with her pathetic know-it-all shit anymore. It's weird to see how different her and my life have gone in less then a year. As my life has progressed in a more positive way, hers only seems to be getting worse and she seems determined to drag everyone else down with her. She got super pissed that I found someone and have fallen in love and the only prospects she has are her dead beat ex-bfs >.< Just because I have actually tried to make my life better and she hasn't she thinks she has to keep me where I am in life.

I have worked hard to get where I am and I won't let anyone pull me down from it!

School

Got two of my grades back both Bs, now I only have 2 grades left to get. Only one of them is one I need to worry about. I still have two papers to write as well. Thankfully they should be easy ones too. What I'm worried about is the one class since I've struggled so hard in this class. The quizzes were easy but the prof asks such vague and weird questions on the exam it's hard for me to wrap my head around them and give him the answer he wants. It drives me nuts he does that because some of them I can answer in just a few sentences and still cover all he needs, but he docks points because they aren't the length he wants and I've made it very clear I don't like to fill with fluff when I write academic papers.

Presentation

So I gave my presentation today... I hated every second of. Even though the paper was a hit. I was extremely disturbed by my research and so was most of my class. There is something soul killing about researching Child Trafficking around the world. Something very soul stealing indeed. I have found myself more then once wanting to curl up and cry from what I've read, and the photos I've seen. There are things that I have seen in just a short amount of time that I cannot un-see no matter how much I wish I could. I knew child trafficking was bad, but I never realized just how horrific it really was. It isn't just about sex. Given a few of the news articles that I read, children are being mutilated for religious reasons as well and I think that was only second in horrifying to finding out that little innocent baby girls are being brutalized because of a myth that the rape of a virgin can cure AIDs!

To my readers, please please help to fight this horrific tragedy! These innocent little children deserve a chance at a happy childhood!

Sadly this work has affected my sleep. When I close my eyes I see those sad little faces and it makes me want to cry even more. I have 3 finals on Thursday and I need the sleep and yet I can't seem to get it. This is going to be a long couple of days...

Nothing like Recovery...

Nothing like having to recover from an upper respiratory infection while doing presentations for school, studying for 4 finals that are all happening on the same day, trying to hold down my job, and writing 3 papers at once... My life is nuts and yet I am happy about it.

I can't say why, but it seems the more pressure that I have to get things done, the happier I feel in my life. I guess it makes me feel like I matter for some reason... Must consider this....

Sick...more than sick in love

So having a BF with a lot of friends and family has proven dangerous to my health. In one weekend I was exposed to at least one virus and at most 3 and I was unfortunate to catch one >.< I now have the Upper Respiratory Infection from hell caused by a virus. Hello coughing fits the week before finals.....

I said it...

Tonight when the BF left his mum's house where I have spent the last few days for Thanksgiving, I said those three words. Words I thought I wouldn't ever be able to feel, let alone say. I cried a bit at the piece of trust I've given him, he cried out of relief that I did give it to him. I cannot believe I just handed another man a loaded gun to my heart and I am trusting that he won't use it...

cute

cute

<a href='http://cheezburger.com/serindelionc/lolz/View/5408252160'><img class='event-item-lol-image' src='http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/11/7/0c3fb1b5-92aa-4eab-957a-12573828737f.jpg' id='_r_a_5408252160' title="Pwes  No lets go" alt="Pwes  No lets go" /></a>

Changes...

My relationship took a turn last night. Not sure if it's for good or bad though. Last night he said those three words, the words that terrify me to death and back again. He didn't expect to hear the words back, and he let me cry and make it clear I couldn't say those words yet. To be honest, I do care for him, deeply. But I can't bare to think that I may love him, nor do I think I can ever say the words... My lack of trust is terrible and it's starting to get better, but not at a speed I think it should be. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him already and that alone has kept me up all night as I still feel that he is going to eventually decide the waiting for physical intimacy isn't worth it and that I am not worth it. I've told him such and he tells me every time that it's not going to happen but I can't help but wonder... During our talking last night he confessed he did try to date someone else, for a one night stand and it didn't even work. He couldn't even kiss the woman. He says I've ruined him for other women and that sort of makes me feel really really good about myself.

The sad thing is, I still can't kiss him like he does me. Kissing is a very erotic thing for me, it's a massive turn on and when I start to respond with even the slightest amount of intensity, I freak out and pull away. I know it saddens him even if he says it doesn't and that he has plenty of patience to wait for me. But it hurts my heart to know I'm to afraid to open up to him and be who and what he wants me to be. He's happy with me being who I am but he's sad that I can't be at peace with our relationship or at least that's what I've inferred.

Must think more about all this, must read my heart....


As always I would love to hear your thoughts and comments if you would like to leave them ^_^

Falling

It's almost scary that I'm falling again. Only a man could get me this all tied up in knots... It scares the hell outta me. Opening my heart to another is just plain the scariest thing I can think of.

Hmm...

So life has been interesting...

The dating thing has seemed to have gotten serious...Not sure how to describe it. I mean, I knew from the beginning he wasn't looking to just casually date someone. I knew he was looking for his life long companion, but I'm beginning to think he really does want me and thinks that may be me for him... But the part of me that's been so hurt and scarred by the men in my past, that makes part of me wonder when he's going to change his mind. He tells me he won't, but a part of me is afraid he will...

How did this happen?

How did this happen? How did I let it happen? How did you do it? How did you steal my heart in just a few months? How did you sneak into my heart like this? And why does it scare the life out of me that you have? Love isn't suppose to be scary and yet this scares me more then holding a loaded gun. What am I to do now? You ninjaed my heart and you weren't even trying....

Bleh

The last few days have been Bleh to say the least. Between killing the battery of my car to the point I had to replace it, finding out I did indeed have an oil leak still, and finding out my car needed a 400 dollar repair or my alignment was toast, this week has just plain SUCKED. The only good thing has been my BF loved his hat for his bday and I'm trying to knit my first sweater. THat's about it really. It doesn't help I've had a couple of friends decide to fuck their lives up royally by one, getting back with an EX and the other deciding not to dump her stupid alcoholic, pill popping, dead end job having BF's butt >.< Why do I seem to be the only person with a brain around my friends?!

This is a real woman!!!

My friend sent this to me on Facebook and I couldn't agree more. Real women have curves people!!! You don't like it, then shut up and stop leaving your house! I am plus sized and proud!!! Real Woman

It's funny

I know I haven't written about my feelings in a while, but it seems things are coming to a head again... I find it funny that the friends I've made for games on Facebook are better friends then the ones I have in real life at times. My boy had to cancel on me twice in one day and it left me pretty depressed and that led me to notice that my "real life friends" aren't even friends anymore, the only time they seem to communicate with me is when they want something for their Facebook games... I mean really that's it. They never text or call, or even IM me when they see me on. A supposed "friend" only wants to hang out when he wants something I'm not willing to give and it's been steadily ticking me off to no end. I'm sorta projecting on the poor man and it made me vent to a friend the wrong words and feelings. I mean the insecure part of me does feel that maybe he's not as into me as I thought he was, but all he did was get real busy this week... He did promise that next Sat would be our day. Have I let my emotions get far too involved already? Could he just be using me to get a lot of attention? Am I reading too far into all this?

This is what goes round and round in my head when he doesn't respond to my texts or rushes off of our phone calls and says he'll text me later or call back but doesn't and I have to get his attention again... I did tell him I wanted to take this super slow, but it seems my subconscious is wanting to rush things and I'm not sure what to do about it. I fear talking to him to about these things because I don't want to drive him away.

But back to the friends. It really sucks that when I was at MJC, they always wanted to talk and do things, but then again most of them don't have cars and I tended to play chauffeur just to get their attention... I think that shows just what they thought of me if now that I'm not there to do those things, they don't talk to me anymore... I'm thinking I need to just delete them and get it over with. I mean it's not like they notice what I post anyway. It's the craziest thing that my getting dumped by my ex showed me just who my real friends are. And sadly that's not many. It seems the rumors a certain ex-friend are now spreading have set root and people are more apt to believe her then to look at the person they have been friends with for years. It also goes to show how intelligent they really are. People who will believe rumors over the person they know really don't have intelligence no matter what their grades, articulation, and conversational abilities are and that truly saddens me because it means the future of this nation (The US) and the world in general is pretty much screwed royally due to this being the people who are going to run it in a few years.

Recap

So I've had 2 exams. I got a C on both which is great given how sick I've been because of the infection in my jaw from having my last wisdom tooth pulled. I think I may have done even better had I not been ill while studying lol but I am glad for my grades ^_^ Ok, this post is short, I'm tired and have had a very very long day.

Loves to all

and if you read, follow me publicly and comment!!!!

It's funny...

It's funny how life can change so quickly. My boy did indeed come down last night but it was much later then we thought it would be. I had gone into town to hang with a friend of mine at a local pub where she was going to wait for her BF to get off work at 2 AM. Out of the kindness of this man's heart he didn't have an issue with us staying until her BF got off work and then he took me out to a late dinner/ early breakfast. It was wonderful.

I spent all Sunday on cloud nine ^_^ And that cloud got even higher when I saw he had made a comment about last night on his Facebook! I was so stoked!!! We've texted each other a bit but he's working today so it's not easy to text at work, trust me, I know.

Church was great. We had such wonderful lessons and the Linger Longer was awesome Baked Potato for dinner! Great! I did get to listen to talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks about tolerance and what it means in the LDS church. For us, it's about not trying to be overly righteous to people who don't share out beliefs but still being able to stand up for what we believe when the time calls for it and that is a truly great thing to hear. Read his words here. I found them to be great and inspiring words. This man is a man of God and a truly faithful servant.

Quick thought.

Just a quick little blurb... if you are reading my blog, please let me know. I love to hear from readers, I've noticed a recent spike in readers and would love to meet/hear from you all ^_^

So....

So the potential Beaux is going to try to come down...again, this will make it attempt number 4 I believe... I really hope it works out this time. I'm not driving up there again. I don't have the gas, nor the cash to do that very often. >.<

Just some thoughts...

Today gave me a good scare. I tend to go out to the local card shop every Friday as it's Friday Night Magic and I play that game as well as D&D and usual the night goes great, but tonight I got the crap scared out of me by the local street racers speeding through the parking lot. It was so bad I had to call the police and we couldn't leave for about a half hour. Every time either me or one of my friends would get near our cars, one of the street racers would start peeling out and one of them nearly hit my poor car and my friend's BMW. Now, I'm not rich and neither is he, he just got a great deal on the bloody car and decided to spring for it since he had the money. Needless to say once the cops showed up, the four of us fled while we could and while it was safe for us to do so. I drove all the way home white-knuckling it, because my nerves were so fried from the scare. I mean, all I did was walk near my car to put my MTG cards in the back seat and my gaming back in the front passenger seat and these guys leaped into their car and began to peel out and do doughnuts around the parking lot, keeping us from leaving and nearly plowing into my car, my friend's BMW and a parked Mustang.... I was terrified. I nearly cried and I'm not much of a person to cry really.

what scares me isn't that these people are doing this, it's that they think it's ok to do in a public area and where there are kids running around as there is an IN N OUT burger in that same parking lot. That's what scares me and the fact that they don't seem to care that there are other cars in this parking lot that aren't part of their little illegal group. I want to make this very very clear... DRAG RACING IN MODESTO CALIFORNIA IS A FELONY!!!!!!!!!!! These kids need to be arrested and put away for this crap! Their precious little cars need to be impounded permanently and sold to people who aren't drag racers or junked for parts! I'm sick of this crap happening and people getting hurt because these morons can't behave in normal society. Maybe if they were actually punished for this crap instead of just chased off it might stop in the area...


Ok my dear readers, I'm done for the night.

I have the weirdest thoughts

I have the weirdest thoughts at times I swear.

I'm sitting here watching another Vlogger about Islam and it's pretty interesting. But it made me think since I am in the dating scene and she met her husband the way I met my potential beaux only on a different site how strange it can be that people can meet and fall in love by talking on a screen and over the phone or via video chat... It just seems a bit weird seeing my boy is only a couple of cities away from me.

I'm actually kinda scared that I am dating again. It's frightening to think I'm putting my heart out again to potentially be broken, shattered, crushed or just plain abused. So far my boy doesn't seem to be like that though. He's been nothing but sweet, willing to go at my pace and has been putting up with my lunacy so calmly it's amazing!! Ok, lunacy over lol

Not the best day...

Today wasn't the best day really. I woke up to my phone acting squirrelly and my phone provider refusing to be cooperative about the issue. Then I was late for school and therefore didn't get to do all the reading I needed for my first class of the day. Then it was my Sex Crimes and Gender Issues in Criminal Justice, and then I had to zip up to the Dentist and get my infection looked at, the good news is it's doing fine.

After zipping out to the dentist I had to zip home and then up to the Metro store to growl at them. They "solved" the issue with my phone. It's working... for now. Still don't think I should have to pay for what they messed up but oh well.

Next was rushing back to Turlock for school and trying to eat since I had an exam and then another class. That was fun. Only ate about 4/5th of the food, but it was enough. Exam was ok, then I had to rush through some last minute homework for my last class of the day. >.< I HATE rushing my homework!!!!

So now I'm home and hoping to relax but I have a lot of homework and my potential Beaux is wanting to come down to visit as well >.< I really hate feeling rushed. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to work tomorrow.

On the upside I've had a good day emotionally and my wisdom tooth infection is looking great! Post more later. I don't like to post blogs about more then one subject if I can help it. I would rather post multiple blogs in one day.

Scary Day

So for the last week I've been in extreme pain. I had my last wisdom tooth pulled. However a piece of garlic got into the socket and caused it to become infected. This gave me dry socket. The means a lot of pain for me and a lot of sleepless nights. The dentist treated it and sent me home to rest for day, however what he uses to treat the infection and help heal the wound leaves a near constant taste of cloves in my mouth... joy....

Interesting two days

Yesterday was interesting. So was today. I've spent the last couple of days looking at and viewing videos done by Muslims and learning what I can about their faith from their perspective. It has been interesting to learn from women why they wear the Hijab and why some men who practice Islam wish to marry a woman who wears the Hijab. This is interesting given many women in the LDS church won't even give a young man the time of day if he hasn't served a mission. Though in the case of the Hijab, some men will make an exception if it is her choice not to wear one. Many women in the church won't and sadly this hurts and discourages young men who don't have the funds to go on a mission or those who have converted too late to go on one. It's saddening to see these poor Brothers in Christ turned away because of something out of their control.

I've learned so much these last couple of days, not just about Islam, but a bit about myself. Since the Sunday before last, I've had to come to terms with the fact I can't be in therapy anymore. It's going to be strange not to have someone to talk with every week about the goings on in my life that isn't actually apart of my life. But I think I may be ready. I mean, I have you my readers as a bit of therapy. It's very therapeutic to write all my inner thoughts and feelings down and know that maybe someone is reading them. Even if no one does, it's nice to write things down and keep a memory of them as well.

Ten years ago today...

Ten years ago today, I was a high school freshman sitting in my English class watching in horror as one of my nation's landmarks came crumbling to the ground. I remember my English teacher saying the office said that if we didn't feel safe or wanted to go home to be with our families we could. I immediately became enraged at the though. I even called the students who raised their hands cowards for caving into what the terrorists wanted from us. They wanted us to flee to the "safety" of our homes. What they didn't expect was for us to fight back. And we still fight back to this day. Ten years later, I haven't forgotten nor will I ever allow myself to forget. No one attacks my home land with out getting a good old fashioned Scottish Ass-Whopping!

Thoughts

So this week has been more uncomfortable then others. I've had to read chapters in class about things that brought back horrid memories, get my last wisdom tooth pulled, and trying this whole dating thing and realizing I'm not so great at it. In fact, I'm quite terrified of it to be honest. I don't want to get hurt again, nor do I want to be alone forever. I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one. Trying to balance not losing my heart to quickly with this young man I'm talking with along with school, work, and friends hasn't made getting over my fright of being hurt any easier. The church doesn't want me in therapy anymore. They say if I still need it, I can use the therapists at school unless I start to get worse... again. I don't plan on back tracking. I've worked hard to get my eating disorder under control. And I don't plan on letting it get that bad again. My health is finally getting better even with the scare on my liver.


I'm finally getting down to the weight that I want to be, though the DR wants me to get down to 119 pounds. I just want a flat tummy and I'll be happy. For me it's not about begin a certain size, it's about having the figure I want and that figure happens to have a flat tummy and maybe still be full sized.


Idk, I think I'm way to tired to keep thinking this in-depth. I'm off to sleep for the night or at least relax with some Highlander.

Long Day

Long day today. Had work. That was enjoyable (sarcasm). Though FHE was great! We BBQed, had a great lesson, and I got to pick up all my yarn and knitting stuff!!! I am so happy!! I even got to pick up a lace project I hadn't been able to work on for well over a year and I was able to pick the pattern up immediately like I hadn't missed working on it for over a year. Reading about domestic violence for school is difficult. It brings back a lot of unwanted memories, but they are now to the point that I can think of them and not begin to panic or have flash backs. Now it's on to History of Criminal Justice...

Long time, no Post....

It's been a while since I posted and a lot has happened. I've gotten a permanent home, started school, gotten 3 out of 4 wisdom teeth pulled, started the whole dating thing, and I'm still working. This has been a crazy month or so for my health as well. I've spent a total of 2 trips to the ER again. Once for something to do with my chest and another time for a mark on my arm. Both turned out ok and aren't much to worry about. School is pretty nuts already. I'm having to read tons of chapters for school. This week in one class we are discussing women as the victims of crime, particularly in sex crimes and domestic violence...this is just what I need to read about given my past. (I just rolled my eyes). Any way, back to the grind of studying...

Having a good cry...

At least I think this is a good cry. I've spent the last few days hanging with a certain friend and his little sis... It was all well and good until I noticed I was the only one who's phone wasn't going off a lot. It helped remind me just how alone I am in this life. They both have loves in their life and I don't. I have no one who wants to text me a lot and tell me they care.  I spend most days just wanting someone to say hi and see how I am to be honest. I hate having to be the one to initiate contact all the time and just once wish I had someone who wanted to talk to me before I contacted them...

It's been a while

It's been a while since I posted. Been busy. Got into the university I applied for. Got my loans and stuff squared away and wound up in the hospital. All in one month. I'm better now, it was a pretty bad infection though. And thankfully it looks like it won't be coming back. Now it looks like I may have endometrisis though which sucks and has pretty much screwed any chances of me ever having children royally. I'm still looking for an SO but I'm in no hurry after all I'm just starting university this month, I have plenty of time to find someone to love me. I'm still plugging away at my various passions and that makes me atleast a bit happy. I also found a place to live on a permanent thing and that has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Also my therapist thinks I may be able to reduce our sessions to once or twice a month but it's only an experiment. Well, I'll write more later, more then likely tomorrow, but who knows.

What a week

This week has been one hell of thing. First of all. It was the 4th of july, I can't stand people who use illegal fireworks. Other then that it wasn't much of a day worth thinking of. Then came the doc appt where I was told it looks like I had an ovarian cyst, but it really turns out I have PID which blows. 12 hours in the ER to be told it was a bacterial infection. Life sucks at times. I had work on Thursday and Friday. I just wish life would go my way at times, but no. I'm still the universe's kick puppy for now >.< My grandma's birthday was this week which sucked huge ones since she passed about 3 years ago. All well, there's the recap. Nothing more to say.

Tired

I'm tired. Very tired in fact. I've been sleeping more, taking naps during the day for up to an hour and it's beginning to worry me. I fell asleep around 730 in the after noon today and woke up an hour later. It's not like me to nap like this. I'm getting plenty of sleep a night, I know I am since I'm going to bed earlier then usual, but I'm still waking up around 9 am like clock work, without an alarm. >.< This wouldn't have me nearly as worried if it weren't for the fact I am so not a morning person. I generally stay up until 2 am and I get up around 10ish or just before 11 am. I'm now seeing 8 am and 9 am like clock work and it's disconcerting to say the least.

Wow...

So as my readers know, I'm currently hunting for a permanent place to live so I can attend university and I have just been hit with the single most closed minded person ever. She literally told me she didn't want to even try to get to know me because I play Vampire wars on Facebook >.< And people insist we Mormons are close minded.

Humm...

So I took a few days off of blogging to let my mind wrap around my whole eating disorder thing and made it a point to tell people I was close to. I got some mixed reactions. Though the one universal thing was most people couldn't tell at all other then the fact that in about a year I've gone from weighing 193.9 pounds to 156.4 pounds. Though, the gall bladder surgery did help with that as well. I told one friend yesterday and she insisted on buying my lunch and my dinner to make sure I ate! I have very awesome friends at times and I love them dearly. I am also working on several business ventures most of which I can't go into details due to privacy reasons and as I have said, I want this blog to be as anonymous as possible so that I can feel free to say what I wish with little risk of it bleeding into my daily life and the drama that it may cause there.

Serin Out

It's official

Well, it's official. My therapist has handed down the diagnosis of Food Restriction Anorexia... It's not like normal anorexia where it's all about weight. This form is about control. I feel out of control so I starve myself of food. It can be a conscious choice or an unconscious one depending on the level of stress I'm under. There have been days where I will do this act without even thinking simply because I'm too depressed to care anymore. I've had this issue since I was about 12, most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing this anymore it's become so ingrained in my behavior. so with out further ado... this link will explain the steps that can be taken to combat the disorder, but by no means is it a way to treat ones self without help. I am seeking pro help and anyone else suffering or who thinks they may be suffering should as well.  My disorder

Interesting

So I ran a bit of an experiment after my blog post the other day and realized that maybe I have a couple more friends then I thought that I can add the they really care about me list. I posted a vague status about how I realized a painful truth after so long of pretending it couldn't be true and got a couple interesting responses. I have to say it does kinda bug the crap out of me that some people act like my status update doesn't exist and others just look and go away.

I may begin to "drop" people off my friends list and see what happens as most them are people who really only noticed me back at my community college and would whine about not having any money and yet they have mummy and daddy paying all their bills. I have a job, I work hard for my money and pay what bills I can when I can and these little "Children" who actually older then I am half the time aren't making anything and whining about not having the cash to buy soda, chips, and freaking junk food. Or because they can't afford their precious Magic cards or Yuugi Oh cards since mummy and daddy only gave them enough money to buy food and ride the bus. I've even seen them use said money for their wants and then call one of their parents saying they lost the money or they were never given it in the first place. I can honestly say I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of people who aren't going anywhere with their lives trying to drag me down and bring me to their level. I sit back and wonder why I'm friends with people who aren't even on my level of intelligence. They don't make me feel smarter, in fact most of the time they make me feel frustrated really.

Granted those people on the short list I mentioned before are so not like that thankfully. They are very intellectually stimulating and I can talk with them for hours about anything, but those who aren't our topics will usually stick to things I have read to death and they never have anything new to say or new for me to learn. I think I am just plain done with these people and may severely shrink my group of friends down over the summer.

A rather painful realization

So, I've been trying to deny the long held truth that most of the people I call friend really aren't my friend as I am to them. I've looked at the majority of the photos of myself on Facebook and I'm usually the one who takes them or I have to ask someone to take them using my camera and yet I am always snapping photos of them. I've got quite a few of me with friends and many of them have asked me not to tag them in said photos and yet they are tagged like crazy by their "Better looking" friends. It's painful to realize that I'm ok to hang with and take photos with so long as no one knows. Why is it I seem to always be the friend in the shadows or in secret? Why am I the one always behind the camera? What is it about me that is so unattractive that I can't be on other people's pages or tagged with the people who claim to be my friends? Is it because I'm not traditionally thin? Or because I clearly need braces? Or my glasses? What is so ugly about me that no one wants to be a photo with me?

I guess I'm the fat chick who is only good enough to be the secret friend or the one always behind the camera taking the photos. It's really hurtful to know as well.

This ties to another realization that I am only good enough to hang out with at school really. I see my friends doing all this fun stuff and yet I never get invited. And when I ask, they claim "I figured you'd be busy" or "We didn't think you'd have fun" In all reality, they forgot about me and do so until they need me for some reason or another. Then I get to see all these posts about how bored they are and yet never once do I see a text or phone call unless they want me to do the driving, buy them food, or anything else they can get out of me. And yet, when I see said friends, they ask me why I never got in contact with them or where have I been?

I may begin to take some drastic measures to make it clear how displeased I am with this crap and that I won't put up with it anymore. I am tired of being the part-time friend. I am tired of being the one that is put up and taken down off the shelf when it's convenient for everyone else. I am tired of being the one that only is a friend when I can provide something of some kind, no matter how much it may hurt me emotionally.

Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends who genuinely want to hang out with me and I love them dearly for it and they know who they are. They talk to me often. I even have a few photos with one of my closest friends and that makes me feel very loved and cared for. I hope these friends know how much I love them and how much I cherish their friendship, even though it's hard for me to have time to hang out right now with my current situation.

I hope that one day I make a lot of friends that are like the ones who are my true friends and that my circle of real friends is strong.

interesting

Not gonna give my opinion just yet, but I wanted to put the link up now for my readers to see and then I'll give my opinion


http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=4932&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=747174

Female thinking

Watching an episode of Dr. Phil about "Ride or Die" Women.... First off, what the HELL are these women thinking?! Staying with a man who cheats on you every chance he gets?! When he refuses to straighten out his life and is constantly in and out of prison AND doing drugs?! Really?! Is this the example that women are setting for their daughters? That if you act like a fool you'll get to keep a man? I swear this makes my head hurt! To make it worse, they think this is alright...

*sigh* People bug me at times.

Serin out

Today...

So today I had a fourth tooth worked on. 2 root canals and 2 fillings. Now I get a 2 week rest before the dentist works on my teeth some more. I can at least say I'm not afraid of the dentist but I still fear the needle used to numb my mouth. He did teach me a few calming things to do while he is injecting my mouth and so far it's helped and for that I'm really greatful for. I'm going to rest my jaw a bit more and maybe I'll more interesting insights for the world tomorrow after work.


Serin out

Breaking

So today I had a bit of a break down. The stress of my life seems to be compiling. Moving, bouncing from place to place while looking for an apartment, trying to get my transcripts so I can enroll in Uni. Trying to get my earrings back from my jeweler. The pressures of this along with starting my own business, working my regular job, my internship, and my life in general are hard enough to balance. Add in the above mentioned pressures just make it all that much harder. I had a bit of a cry, but I have yet to break down and really cry and I think that seems to be what I need to do.  And yet for some reason I can't seem to. I don't think the lack of sleep is helping either. I am getting nearly the normal amount that I usually do, but it's not restful anymore. And getting more isn't helping either. I'd resort to sleeping pills, but I don't like taking them. I don't like not being able to get up if I have to. I want to be able to wake up if something happens or someone calls me and it's an emergency. My therapist says sleep is important, but I refuse to talk to my doc about sleep meds I OTC stuff generally doesn't work either. If this goes on much longer, I may cave....

And I do welcome open follows btw ^_^

Gonna try to relax....

Serin out

Revelations

I'm slowly beginning to realize just how much the people I call friends suck as friends. I put out a call for help and the only person who responds I've never met in person. And yet the people I call friend in real life have excuse after excuse as to why they can't help but get pissy and whiney when I can't help them claiming they help me all the freaking time. Maybe I need to look at getting new friends at this rate...

Exaustion

So after taking two days to write the last post. I realized just how mentally exhausting it was to write. Not because I had to think, but because I had to relive things to write about them again. It's hard enough to think of bad memories but to write them for the world to see is difficult in its own right. But it has also hampered other creative paths in my life. I've found myself not wanting to write in my novels nor in my short stories either. Maybe my brain is just too tired to try for a bit.


Serin out

Dear Dog

I'm writing this post as a letter to Dog the Bounty Hunter since I just finished his book.


Dear Dog,

Reading your book, Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given had to be one of the best experiences I've had while reading. I had a lot reflection of my own life as I read your words. How you kept talking of trying to over come and learn from your mistakes and yet people were always there to remind you of them. That is something I know all to well in my own life. Granted I never made mistakes that landed me in jail, but I did make ones that lead me down a much harder road then I should have had to travel and still travel at the time I am writing this. Towards the end of the book really was when I started to see things that made me really think. I grew up in a family that was more then just broken, it was shattered.

My grandmother made the mistake of marrying the man that got her pregnant at 18. She had two more children with him while putting up with his abuse. After a few years she finally got rid of him. She spent the next years working between 2 and 3 jobs to support my mom, aunt, and uncle while they grew up. My mom and her siblings threw it back in her face by all getting hooked on drugs or booze or both. Each one of her children destroyed their lives in one way or another. My aunt was a drop out on all sorts of drugs. My mom as 18 and pregnant with me while addicted to drugs. And my uncle, well he graduated as far as I know but he was an alcoholic and on drugs as well.


My mom had me and after a series of men had 3 more children by the time I was 9. She had already been in jail for a felony by the time I was 5. She didn't really take the greatest care of us. As my therapist has said, she did the bare minimum for us in every way, even food wise. At 8 my grandmother got a hold of me and made sure I stayed on the right path, but the years of mental abuse from my mom and her many boyfriends, along with the neglect and mental abuse she gave had left it's toll. At the age of 9, I had a serious case of PTSD. I started to heal up over the next few years until my mom popped back into my life as though the last 4 years had never happened and she was the world's greatest mom. This brought it all back with a speed so fast my head nearly came off. Needless to say at 12 I was in for a long rough road. I spent the next 3 years struggling to return to some bit of normalcy. I never partied, never drank. I was a good girl in always but school work. Still managed to pass classes, but not with the grades I could have. Just shy of my 15th B-day I was sexually assaulted. This set me back yet again. It was 2 years before I could really handle anything with guys. I made the mistake of marry the first man to make me feel special, wanted, and loved. I followed in the family footsteps so to speak in retrospect.


3 years of an abusive marriage in where no blows were ever physically landed, but many were mentally, emotionally, and sexually is enough to break any woman, but some how like always I survived. Granted he did have an affair and did divorce me, but I see it as my escape and chance to grow, heal, and become who I've always wanted to be. I met my ex-boyfriend through a mutual friend and while he never abused me. We didn't ever have the normal fights or mile stones a relationship had. 2 years later, it was over and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. In the course of this 5 year struggle I did achieve one great thing. I became the first person in my family to attend and graduate college. Though only with an AA as I am now moving on for my BA so I can get my JD.

That's where I am now. Picking up the pieces of my life and trying to move on. I've got myself in therapy so I can learn to leave all this pain behind. That's what your book has helped me to see, just how far my holding on to my past had held me back. I've held onto every scar and hurt like a large blanket around my shoulders. Holding on to this pain has slowed down my education and following my dreams. I'm working on letting go and moving on. Your book has helped me see that and has helped me have the courage to really work on and my own insecurities.

I wanted to say thank you for such an inspiring book and glance into your life and your family. I hope one day to give you this letter and let you read just how much you have changed one person's life without ever having met them. I look forward to the day that I may get the chance to give you this letter and hopefully it will be when I have healed and gotten far in my life so that I can stand tall and with pride in front of you. You are a hero to me and so is Beth for surpassing her struggles as well. I send you well wishes and good thoughts for your who lives and that of your family.

With all the love of a sister,

Serin kNight

Readings and Musings

From middle class to homeless and the fight to survive

Read this interesting article today and it seriously opened my eyes to the plight facing the US today. More and more people who are hard working people are finding themselves with out homes and a way to survive. The woman this article features is about my age and that truly saddens me to no end. And yet I just saw on the news how we, the US are leaping to the aid of foreign countries when we can't even solve our own economic issues. This is a very sad day for me given that she, like so many others have so much to offer and the government has done nothing to fix it.

I'm also reading a book by Dog the Bounty Hunter and it's very fascinating to me since it's his second book and more focused on his life now that he has his show and the ups and downs it's caused for him and his family.

Latenight dullness

So I'm sitting on the couch relaxing after a day involving a root canal, and having to endure the pain for a while. Now I'm sitting here with glitchy internet trying to chat with a friend and read my news! The inability to do both kinda makes me annoyed and bored since I have to choose one or the other.

Also getting sick of bureaucracy, I have to wait 10 business days for my transcripts! And since the budget is shit for my Junior College, Fridays no longer count! So I went from 2 weeks to 2 and half weeks! This is going to cut things EXTREAMLY close to registration time for the university that needs those transcripts so they can accept me >.<

I know money is hard but when schools do this, they put their students under a lot of undue stress and fear that only makes schooling that much harder. The job market right now blows and Community/Junior College lay offs are only going to make things harder on the people leaving university at this point and it's not right for the Government to force them to do this since most schools are very much in the black right now money wise on this schooling level.


Serin out

Reading

So I've been reading about this Tiger mom thing and I have to say the woman is nuts! No matter what she says her kids are not well adjusted! They no nothing of how to relax and have fun! Nor did they get the chance to date and explore while growing up. Now they have to do all that as adults and have the emotional growth markers at a time when they are suppose to be learning about being an adult. This is the insanity that makes kids into horrid bosses and co-workers.


I've also been reading stuff in the news about things going on in my city and I hope it settles down. Though I am moving a city down it will always be my home town. No, I won't ever say where I come from exactly since this blog is ment to be a place to express myself with out locals figuring out who I am. That being said, I can freely say I'm from California and that's about it.


Serin out

Blah

It's been an interesting week that's for sure. Got my teeth cleaned and then I find out I have a root canal on monday >.< Then there was work. 2 plus hours of driving spaced between 3 stores while trying to find things in said store to pull out like they should have been a week ago... I really hate stupid people but this was ridiculous these displays should have been done before I got there. I shouldn't have had to hunt them down and build them on my own! Blah I'm done. I have to go fix someone's laptop....

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First Post

So today was interesting... Got to talk to the therapist for an hour long rant about nutrition and other crazy things before heading off to see a house I may move into. Got to get a letter from a certain some one and then apply to live there tomorrow. Hope I get in. I love the house!

Also going to the dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned >.< Really not looking forward to that one. I hate the dentist and having my mouth poked repeatedly with a sharp pointy object. Plus I hate being lectured about my diet.

Also hoping to finnish getting into the university I applied to! I just need to give them a set of paper work. ^_^ Can't wait!