Thursday, September 26, 2013
A Challenge
I challenge any "Christian" to show me in the New Testament as those are the words of Christ where he said anything about denying help to the poor, hoarding your wealth, and anything about homosexuality. It must be from the KJV and New Testament only or it is not the words of Christ.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I am...tired
I can't explain it any other way. I am tired. I can feel everything I believed in fading. I look around me and I see everyone else's lives going places while mine seems to be lingering and going to pot.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Recent news
I've been seeing a lot of things on the news lately. Things I don't like. I have a beef with biggotism. A large beef with it. I also have a beef with classism and eliltism. Money does not mean everything. The fact that the richest people in the US and the large companies in the US do not wish to accept that they are responsible for their employees. They think it
is ok to pay a less than livable wage and to force their employees to survive on government assistance. They then lobby to have the same employees' wages taxed even higher to cover the cost of the government assistance while lobbying to have that same assistance reduced. It is time for an overhaul of the fed. It is time to let big business know that we will not take it anymore and we are taking the fed back as our own. For the People, by the People, of the People. Not the big business!!!!!!!
is ok to pay a less than livable wage and to force their employees to survive on government assistance. They then lobby to have the same employees' wages taxed even higher to cover the cost of the government assistance while lobbying to have that same assistance reduced. It is time for an overhaul of the fed. It is time to let big business know that we will not take it anymore and we are taking the fed back as our own. For the People, by the People, of the People. Not the big business!!!!!!!
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