If someone is stupid enough to think that vaccines cause autism or any other disability, they do not deserve to reproduce. Thanks to their ignorance and moronic behavior under the guise of "religion" children are going to get sick and die from preventable diseases.
http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vqjb0
Learn something before you post. Don't be a fucking moron
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
A Confession
A confession
So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse. People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse. People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
My political ad for the month!
Hold the Congress criminally liable for the act of sedition and treason!
The Congress has committed treason and needs to be held criminally liable for sedition, treason, and terroristic acts against the US! Sign the petition!
The Congress has committed treason and needs to be held criminally liable for sedition, treason, and terroristic acts against the US! Sign the petition!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
A Challenge
I challenge any "Christian" to show me in the New Testament as those are the words of Christ where he said anything about denying help to the poor, hoarding your wealth, and anything about homosexuality. It must be from the KJV and New Testament only or it is not the words of Christ.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I am...tired
I can't explain it any other way. I am tired. I can feel everything I believed in fading. I look around me and I see everyone else's lives going places while mine seems to be lingering and going to pot.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Recent news
I've been seeing a lot of things on the news lately. Things I don't like. I have a beef with biggotism. A large beef with it. I also have a beef with classism and eliltism. Money does not mean everything. The fact that the richest people in the US and the large companies in the US do not wish to accept that they are responsible for their employees. They think it
is ok to pay a less than livable wage and to force their employees to survive on government assistance. They then lobby to have the same employees' wages taxed even higher to cover the cost of the government assistance while lobbying to have that same assistance reduced. It is time for an overhaul of the fed. It is time to let big business know that we will not take it anymore and we are taking the fed back as our own. For the People, by the People, of the People. Not the big business!!!!!!!
is ok to pay a less than livable wage and to force their employees to survive on government assistance. They then lobby to have the same employees' wages taxed even higher to cover the cost of the government assistance while lobbying to have that same assistance reduced. It is time for an overhaul of the fed. It is time to let big business know that we will not take it anymore and we are taking the fed back as our own. For the People, by the People, of the People. Not the big business!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thoughts...Again
It's amazing how hard it is to write about something personal and publish it, fearing rejection of scathing remarks, only to find the rejection is of a different kind. The rejection of lack of understanding. I'm sure people read the post and then simply moved on, seeing it as a cry for attention, when really it was a cry for understanding, something people seem less and less likely as the world goes from self-less to selfish. People don't want to care anymore. They want the world to revolve around them, why should they care if someone has a problem that can ruin their life, it's not harming anyone else. But the matter is, it does harm, it harms the whole world.
One person's phobia, especially one about money can cause more issues than a single selfish person can believe. The loss of one person who contributes to the economy is a devastation and the fact that people don't understand that really bugs the hell out of me.
One person's phobia, especially one about money can cause more issues than a single selfish person can believe. The loss of one person who contributes to the economy is a devastation and the fact that people don't understand that really bugs the hell out of me.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A confession
So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.
People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.
People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
Friday, August 9, 2013
First week
I've started a new job and walked away from my old one. I've also begun law school and man has it been nuts. I've already been given homework. My first assignment has been a lot harder then I thought. This writing assignment has tough, trying to explain one's own moral view is difficult, let alone trying to convince a trained attorney to take your side. This assignment isn't easy and I am afraid I am sounding like a babbling idiot given I have no idea how to argue this subject.
Work has been fantastic. I've been making quota left and right and have already gone over the quota which makes me very happy.
Work has been fantastic. I've been making quota left and right and have already gone over the quota which makes me very happy.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Rant Time
So how is that a college graduate with a decent GPA and awesome letters of recommendations can't get a job?!
Particularly when the posting says very few people have applied for said position. Most of these companies cannot even give people the courtesy of sending a letter saying that someone else was chosen.
People end up wondering what it was they did wrong or what was wrong with their resume.
What ever happened to courtesy in the job hunting world!?
Particularly when the posting says very few people have applied for said position. Most of these companies cannot even give people the courtesy of sending a letter saying that someone else was chosen.
People end up wondering what it was they did wrong or what was wrong with their resume.
What ever happened to courtesy in the job hunting world!?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
just a short prayer...
My job interview is in less than 48 hours. I pray to God I get this job. He knows I need this to get my life on the proper track. I pray his will is in the path of mine and this job is my path in this next stage of my life.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The Darker Side of My Life
As stated before, I'm a switch. This means I am both Dominant and Submissive. This also means that I have issues with certain labels in the 'kink' community. First off, let me say, I have no qualms with what people do in their bedrooms. What is done in people's private lives is their own choice and not much of my business.
But I am not part of the 'mainstream' 'kink' world. I can't be called a slave or a submissive, or a master or a dom in the truest sense of the word. I can dominate someone but I can't do it all the time or in every sexual encounter. Nor can I be submissive all the time or in every sexual encounter.
No one can own me...ever. I am the only person who owns me. I can give control over and let it go in certain aspects but I own myself and that's the end of it. I don't mind giving up control, but I can and do take it back. It's my personality.
I will never have a true master. I cannot have a true dom for myself. And it's not because I haven't met anyone who is more dominant then me, it's simply because I cannot and will not be owned.
But I am not part of the 'mainstream' 'kink' world. I can't be called a slave or a submissive, or a master or a dom in the truest sense of the word. I can dominate someone but I can't do it all the time or in every sexual encounter. Nor can I be submissive all the time or in every sexual encounter.
No one can own me...ever. I am the only person who owns me. I can give control over and let it go in certain aspects but I own myself and that's the end of it. I don't mind giving up control, but I can and do take it back. It's my personality.
I will never have a true master. I cannot have a true dom for myself. And it's not because I haven't met anyone who is more dominant then me, it's simply because I cannot and will not be owned.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A piece of myself
A piece of myself.
When I got married, I had no idea what sex really was. Sure, I had read the romance novels. I knew it was gonna hurt to truly become a "woman". What I didn't expect was to find myself wanting more from the sexual side of my marriage.
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Dear Men of the Church
Dear Men,
It has come to my attention that you are hard of heart, thought, and mind. You the men in the church that makes people think this church is misogynistic and has no respect for women. The church has said that abortion is ok under certain circumstances and they have never come out against birth control.
Do the church a favor and stop hiding your hatred towards the sexual health and safety of women and of women in general behind your false belief in God. Just because you think it is a woman's divine punishment when she gets raped and impregnated or when she is told she is going to die because she got pregnant doesn't mean that is what the TRUE followers of God think.
Men like you sicken me, you think your religious right and supposed moral authority gives you power over the rest of us. Well, I rebuke you and call you to repent for your attempt at unrighteous dominion.
I sincerely hope you never have a daughter so she doesn't grow up in a household that teaches her that having a voice and being willing to stand up for herself is wrong and that she should cow to any man who demands it of her. I hope any sons you may have learn that your beliefs are wrong and sinful and that they have a much larger and more open heart then you.
Sincerely,
A true believer of God and his commandments
It has come to my attention that you are hard of heart, thought, and mind. You the men in the church that makes people think this church is misogynistic and has no respect for women. The church has said that abortion is ok under certain circumstances and they have never come out against birth control.
Do the church a favor and stop hiding your hatred towards the sexual health and safety of women and of women in general behind your false belief in God. Just because you think it is a woman's divine punishment when she gets raped and impregnated or when she is told she is going to die because she got pregnant doesn't mean that is what the TRUE followers of God think.
Men like you sicken me, you think your religious right and supposed moral authority gives you power over the rest of us. Well, I rebuke you and call you to repent for your attempt at unrighteous dominion.
I sincerely hope you never have a daughter so she doesn't grow up in a household that teaches her that having a voice and being willing to stand up for herself is wrong and that she should cow to any man who demands it of her. I hope any sons you may have learn that your beliefs are wrong and sinful and that they have a much larger and more open heart then you.
Sincerely,
A true believer of God and his commandments
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
The long hiatus
So I took a bit of a hiatus this holiday. I just needed a bit of a break. School, work, and life in general just got crazy. I'm not big on the holidays. I generally get very remote and distant from nearly everyone and try to pick fights just so people will leave me alone. So this year I started early and just lost myself in school, work, and my knitting.
This new year hasn't been much better. I caught the one flu the CDC didn't expect and spent 2 weeks trapped in bed. Then I got a sinus infection and now it appears to have not gone away. Doc is running a blood test to see if it's in my blood since I've had a near constant head ache. Won't know the results until Monday, which is the same day that school starts.
I've also begun to notice that the older I get, the more short of temper I have begun to get. I don't have time for people's crap, drama, or whininess. I'm 25, fighting a debilitating disease, fighting to get through school, fighting to get into law school, and I'm trying to keep my life on track. I don't have time to pity people or feel sorry for them when many of them have a life that is far better then mine. I don't have time to hear some one complain about how broke they are when they are living with their parents rent and utility free. I'm tired of the spoiled behavior and the expectancy that they deserve more when they haven't earned it. I'm tired of seeing kids driving BMWs when they didn't pay for them. It's time for people to learn of the real world.
This new year hasn't been much better. I caught the one flu the CDC didn't expect and spent 2 weeks trapped in bed. Then I got a sinus infection and now it appears to have not gone away. Doc is running a blood test to see if it's in my blood since I've had a near constant head ache. Won't know the results until Monday, which is the same day that school starts.
I've also begun to notice that the older I get, the more short of temper I have begun to get. I don't have time for people's crap, drama, or whininess. I'm 25, fighting a debilitating disease, fighting to get through school, fighting to get into law school, and I'm trying to keep my life on track. I don't have time to pity people or feel sorry for them when many of them have a life that is far better then mine. I don't have time to hear some one complain about how broke they are when they are living with their parents rent and utility free. I'm tired of the spoiled behavior and the expectancy that they deserve more when they haven't earned it. I'm tired of seeing kids driving BMWs when they didn't pay for them. It's time for people to learn of the real world.
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