I am getting too old for this

My job is really trying. I work with autistic kiddos and help them learn how to interact with the world in a way we deem acceptable. Such as asking for things and understanding that they can't scream and throw a fit when they are told no.

This is a trying thing to do as many of these kiddos don't grasp that they can still be told no, even if they ask nicely. They don't get that the person still has the right to say no. For them they only understand that saying please gets their way and when it doesn't, the world doesn't quite make sense.

I can handle my job. I can handle these kiddos. What I can't handle is a company that is not on the ball when it comes to assigning cases. I have been out of work for nearly three weeks now. My last client pulled services because of HQ's behavior in the middle of July. I was promised a new client by the time the second pay period began. That pay period has come and gone. In that space they tried to force a client that would cause me to have to drive over 300 miles a week for less than 12 hours a week worth of work. I stood my ground and drew the line. Then with out notification, I had two clients dropped on me in my area that I can make easily and they total 12 hours a week for pay. I technically make more on Unemployment than I would be making for this company. I find it highly suspect that these clients magically get assigned to me when just last Friday they swore they didn't have any clients in town and yet there are job postings of a need for more people in my town to do the job I'm doing from the exact same company.

This bugs me because it shows a lack of professionalism. If there aren't clients in the town you are hiring from, don't post the job like there is work in the town. Make it clear that people will driving upwards of 100 miles a week for pay that's less than most people get while working at McDonald's. The part that freaks me out the most is that I was part of a hiring pool of 13 people in April and there are only 2 of us left. That means that this company has fired or forced 11 people to quit in less than 6 months. That is a turn over rate that my mind just can't calculate. It makes me wonder just how well this company has been put together and how in the bloody hell it's survived this long.

I Am

I am loud, I am brash, I speak directly and don't believe in beating around the bush. I don't sugar coat things that don't need to be. 

I am an unrepentant liberal/socialist. I believe that it's no one's business, but my own what I do with my body and the same for everyone else.

 I think the rich are too rich and the poor are too poor, that there needs to be a redistribution of wage and money. 

I think that the rich need to be taxed at a HUGE percentage and ALL that money needs to be spent on those who need it most, with absolutely NO tax breaks for the rich or businesses. 

I think rapists need to be treated like terrorists and that the focus of all crimes in the news should be on the victims and their families NOT the people who commit the crime.

I think Muslims are awesome people with a bad rep and that conservatism is the greatest threat to this country and freedom. 

I believe that marriage is between consenting adults gender need not matter. I will NEVER back down from defending what I believe. 

I will post what I want about my beliefs and I will never remove them. I welcome open peaceful dialogue and enjoy debate. 

I will NOT tolerate hate speech nor will I allow comments that serve nothing but to inflame those around the post.

A confession

So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.

People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

Need to Vent

I know people generally use their blogs to rant and vent and I try to avoid this as much as possible. I use this blog mostly to talk about my life and the exploration there in.

That being said, I do occasionally feel the need to vent and rant and make my feelings known. As I live in an interesting world. Ranting to the people who have caused the issue would only make the issues worse. Especially when the rant and anger feelings are directed towards my boyfriend's roommates and their childish fear and paranoia. The boyfriend and I finally got a date for once where we didn't have his roomies tagging along or inviting themselves. This was blown to kingdom come while we were watching Prometheus in theater, an awesome movie by the by, when one of the roomies decided to call and whine at him because he forgot to lock a bolt in the door!

This angered me because they know perfectly well, if someone wanted to rob the house, a single bolt isn't going to stop them! These two LITTLE CHILDISH BOYS lock the house up like a freaking prison all day long. They get pissy if the door is unlocked for longer then it takes to walk into the house. They throw these freaked out temper tantrums when the BF or I cook and we open the door and sliding glass door to let things cool out naturally while we cook rather then raise the electric bill by using the AC. One of them even had the gall to lock the house up with the BF and I sitting in the rooms with said doors so we could watch them! He comes out every two hours! I swear! Just to unlock the front door, check the locks on the security door and re-lock the front door! He even takes the stick out of the sliding glass door to open and re-lock the sliding glass door!!!!!! The level of angry I have reached with this is impossible to describe!


Alright, venting done. Going to do something that makes me happy whilst I growl at the little boys my manly adult boyfriend is stuck with for roomies and sadly for friends.

Presentation

So I gave my presentation today... I hated every second of. Even though the paper was a hit. I was extremely disturbed by my research and so was most of my class. There is something soul killing about researching Child Trafficking around the world. Something very soul stealing indeed. I have found myself more then once wanting to curl up and cry from what I've read, and the photos I've seen. There are things that I have seen in just a short amount of time that I cannot un-see no matter how much I wish I could. I knew child trafficking was bad, but I never realized just how horrific it really was. It isn't just about sex. Given a few of the news articles that I read, children are being mutilated for religious reasons as well and I think that was only second in horrifying to finding out that little innocent baby girls are being brutalized because of a myth that the rape of a virgin can cure AIDs!

To my readers, please please help to fight this horrific tragedy! These innocent little children deserve a chance at a happy childhood!

Sadly this work has affected my sleep. When I close my eyes I see those sad little faces and it makes me want to cry even more. I have 3 finals on Thursday and I need the sleep and yet I can't seem to get it. This is going to be a long couple of days...

What a week

This week has been one hell of thing. First of all. It was the 4th of july, I can't stand people who use illegal fireworks. Other then that it wasn't much of a day worth thinking of. Then came the doc appt where I was told it looks like I had an ovarian cyst, but it really turns out I have PID which blows. 12 hours in the ER to be told it was a bacterial infection. Life sucks at times. I had work on Thursday and Friday. I just wish life would go my way at times, but no. I'm still the universe's kick puppy for now >.< My grandma's birthday was this week which sucked huge ones since she passed about 3 years ago. All well, there's the recap. Nothing more to say.

First Post

So today was interesting... Got to talk to the therapist for an hour long rant about nutrition and other crazy things before heading off to see a house I may move into. Got to get a letter from a certain some one and then apply to live there tomorrow. Hope I get in. I love the house!

Also going to the dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned >.< Really not looking forward to that one. I hate the dentist and having my mouth poked repeatedly with a sharp pointy object. Plus I hate being lectured about my diet.

Also hoping to finnish getting into the university I applied to! I just need to give them a set of paper work. ^_^ Can't wait!