And the race begins...Again...

Well, school is back in session and as usual, I have proven my insanity...

I am taking 14 units, which to most doesn't seem like much, but I am also working, dating, and going through a bankruptcy. Along with this, one of my classes requires me to play mentor to a kid. I really don't like most teenagers, nor do I like needles and such... This is gonna suck big ones >.<

I have to have a livescan done as well as a TB test >.<

Anger...

I think I'm beginning to feel a certain amount of hatred for my own congregation... It's hard to explain but given the ward/branch I belong in has taken all the words I have said about my ex-roommates and decided that my words aren't worth any looking into and haven't bothered to even try to see if what I had to say about them and their life style is true or not. No, they just take what that "group" has to say at face value and ignore the one person who has said something that no longer lives with them. I think seeing them at church and knowing the church is still supporting them despite the fact they are outright using the church for support of the economic means and not bothering to show up unless there is free food involved and them not suffering any repercussions has put a seed of anger and hatred in my heart. I may need to step back and walk away for a bit to let things cool down in my heart and mind. I may even walk away from a couple of things I am involved in as well within the church so that I may not have much contact with them either....

Rambles.....

I don't know why but for some reason I feel like rambling. Maybe it's because I've had a head ache for a few days, or because I over did it on food today, or because I'm really tired and should crawl into bed, but don't want to. But I do know that I've had a though going through my head for a few days now, everyone gets asked at least once in their life if they could go back and change anything, would they? Well for me at this point, my answer is: No, I wouldn't change a thing. Every ounce of pain, every tear I have shed, every drop of sweat that has fallen from my brow has helped make me who I am today. It has helped shape my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. I would never have learned how to stand for myself, voice what I want and take what I want when I have earned it. With out that pain and suffering, I never would have learned how to savor the sweet things in life and with out those sweet things I wouldn't have anything to look forward to or remember when painful, scary, or stressful situations arise.

I've also come to the rather scary conclusion that I do truly love my boyfriend and that I do want to marry him... The reason this scares me is simple really, I don't want to fall for someone so hard and that deeply that I can become seriously hurt. What got me to come to this conclusion you ask? Well, I had a visit with my visiting teacher and she asked if the BF and I had talked of marriage. Truth be told, yes, have. It's normal in a young couple is discuss such things and it shows that we are both looking to be adult about our lives and not just "Go with the flow". I do actually want to get married again, despite the emotional pain that my first marriage was and the nightmare it became towards the end. Part of what holds me back is the fear of becoming a burden on someone again. I don't want someone else to have to take care of me after I just discovered my ability to stand on my own two feet.

Rant done for now. I may come back to this post again and add more as the time is needed.

New years

So my New Years was interesting. We'll leave it at the BF and I had a long talk about things in our relationship and I feel things to be stronger then ever even if I feel insecure anyway. Trust may always be an issue with me because of how my last couple of relationships ended. Both exes chose to place the blame on my shoulders despite one of them chose to cheat and the other chose to listen to a bunch of lying back stabbing insert the word for despicable females. Yes, I am still mad about both break ups, but that's because both of them crushed me in ways that never should have happened. But on a better note, I've gotten a few knitting things done. I am nearly done with my first sweater and I have gotten a couple of minor projects out of the way such as a very pretty necklace. I am thinking of starting another knitting project, a small one as a distraction from the long duster length jacket I am currently working on. It's already to my knees and I can't wait to get to wear it. Though I will never wear it to school when I need to wear a backpack. I still have a couple of weeks to go before school starts and I want to get in as much relaxation as I can. I have been gaming as much as I can as well as knitting. But sadly this stupid thing called work keeps getting in the way lol. It is also part of the whole having a BF thing that keeps me from getting all the knitting I want to get done done lol. Well that's all for now post again soon