Tired

I'm tired. Very tired in fact. I've been sleeping more, taking naps during the day for up to an hour and it's beginning to worry me. I fell asleep around 730 in the after noon today and woke up an hour later. It's not like me to nap like this. I'm getting plenty of sleep a night, I know I am since I'm going to bed earlier then usual, but I'm still waking up around 9 am like clock work, without an alarm. >.< This wouldn't have me nearly as worried if it weren't for the fact I am so not a morning person. I generally stay up until 2 am and I get up around 10ish or just before 11 am. I'm now seeing 8 am and 9 am like clock work and it's disconcerting to say the least.

Wow...

So as my readers know, I'm currently hunting for a permanent place to live so I can attend university and I have just been hit with the single most closed minded person ever. She literally told me she didn't want to even try to get to know me because I play Vampire wars on Facebook >.< And people insist we Mormons are close minded.

Humm...

So I took a few days off of blogging to let my mind wrap around my whole eating disorder thing and made it a point to tell people I was close to. I got some mixed reactions. Though the one universal thing was most people couldn't tell at all other then the fact that in about a year I've gone from weighing 193.9 pounds to 156.4 pounds. Though, the gall bladder surgery did help with that as well. I told one friend yesterday and she insisted on buying my lunch and my dinner to make sure I ate! I have very awesome friends at times and I love them dearly. I am also working on several business ventures most of which I can't go into details due to privacy reasons and as I have said, I want this blog to be as anonymous as possible so that I can feel free to say what I wish with little risk of it bleeding into my daily life and the drama that it may cause there.

Serin Out

It's official

Well, it's official. My therapist has handed down the diagnosis of Food Restriction Anorexia... It's not like normal anorexia where it's all about weight. This form is about control. I feel out of control so I starve myself of food. It can be a conscious choice or an unconscious one depending on the level of stress I'm under. There have been days where I will do this act without even thinking simply because I'm too depressed to care anymore. I've had this issue since I was about 12, most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing this anymore it's become so ingrained in my behavior. so with out further ado... this link will explain the steps that can be taken to combat the disorder, but by no means is it a way to treat ones self without help. I am seeking pro help and anyone else suffering or who thinks they may be suffering should as well.  My disorder

Interesting

So I ran a bit of an experiment after my blog post the other day and realized that maybe I have a couple more friends then I thought that I can add the they really care about me list. I posted a vague status about how I realized a painful truth after so long of pretending it couldn't be true and got a couple interesting responses. I have to say it does kinda bug the crap out of me that some people act like my status update doesn't exist and others just look and go away.

I may begin to "drop" people off my friends list and see what happens as most them are people who really only noticed me back at my community college and would whine about not having any money and yet they have mummy and daddy paying all their bills. I have a job, I work hard for my money and pay what bills I can when I can and these little "Children" who actually older then I am half the time aren't making anything and whining about not having the cash to buy soda, chips, and freaking junk food. Or because they can't afford their precious Magic cards or Yuugi Oh cards since mummy and daddy only gave them enough money to buy food and ride the bus. I've even seen them use said money for their wants and then call one of their parents saying they lost the money or they were never given it in the first place. I can honestly say I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of people who aren't going anywhere with their lives trying to drag me down and bring me to their level. I sit back and wonder why I'm friends with people who aren't even on my level of intelligence. They don't make me feel smarter, in fact most of the time they make me feel frustrated really.

Granted those people on the short list I mentioned before are so not like that thankfully. They are very intellectually stimulating and I can talk with them for hours about anything, but those who aren't our topics will usually stick to things I have read to death and they never have anything new to say or new for me to learn. I think I am just plain done with these people and may severely shrink my group of friends down over the summer.

A rather painful realization

So, I've been trying to deny the long held truth that most of the people I call friend really aren't my friend as I am to them. I've looked at the majority of the photos of myself on Facebook and I'm usually the one who takes them or I have to ask someone to take them using my camera and yet I am always snapping photos of them. I've got quite a few of me with friends and many of them have asked me not to tag them in said photos and yet they are tagged like crazy by their "Better looking" friends. It's painful to realize that I'm ok to hang with and take photos with so long as no one knows. Why is it I seem to always be the friend in the shadows or in secret? Why am I the one always behind the camera? What is it about me that is so unattractive that I can't be on other people's pages or tagged with the people who claim to be my friends? Is it because I'm not traditionally thin? Or because I clearly need braces? Or my glasses? What is so ugly about me that no one wants to be a photo with me?

I guess I'm the fat chick who is only good enough to be the secret friend or the one always behind the camera taking the photos. It's really hurtful to know as well.

This ties to another realization that I am only good enough to hang out with at school really. I see my friends doing all this fun stuff and yet I never get invited. And when I ask, they claim "I figured you'd be busy" or "We didn't think you'd have fun" In all reality, they forgot about me and do so until they need me for some reason or another. Then I get to see all these posts about how bored they are and yet never once do I see a text or phone call unless they want me to do the driving, buy them food, or anything else they can get out of me. And yet, when I see said friends, they ask me why I never got in contact with them or where have I been?

I may begin to take some drastic measures to make it clear how displeased I am with this crap and that I won't put up with it anymore. I am tired of being the part-time friend. I am tired of being the one that is put up and taken down off the shelf when it's convenient for everyone else. I am tired of being the one that only is a friend when I can provide something of some kind, no matter how much it may hurt me emotionally.

Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends who genuinely want to hang out with me and I love them dearly for it and they know who they are. They talk to me often. I even have a few photos with one of my closest friends and that makes me feel very loved and cared for. I hope these friends know how much I love them and how much I cherish their friendship, even though it's hard for me to have time to hang out right now with my current situation.

I hope that one day I make a lot of friends that are like the ones who are my true friends and that my circle of real friends is strong.

interesting

Not gonna give my opinion just yet, but I wanted to put the link up now for my readers to see and then I'll give my opinion


http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=4932&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=747174

Female thinking

Watching an episode of Dr. Phil about "Ride or Die" Women.... First off, what the HELL are these women thinking?! Staying with a man who cheats on you every chance he gets?! When he refuses to straighten out his life and is constantly in and out of prison AND doing drugs?! Really?! Is this the example that women are setting for their daughters? That if you act like a fool you'll get to keep a man? I swear this makes my head hurt! To make it worse, they think this is alright...

*sigh* People bug me at times.

Serin out

Today...

So today I had a fourth tooth worked on. 2 root canals and 2 fillings. Now I get a 2 week rest before the dentist works on my teeth some more. I can at least say I'm not afraid of the dentist but I still fear the needle used to numb my mouth. He did teach me a few calming things to do while he is injecting my mouth and so far it's helped and for that I'm really greatful for. I'm going to rest my jaw a bit more and maybe I'll more interesting insights for the world tomorrow after work.


Serin out

Breaking

So today I had a bit of a break down. The stress of my life seems to be compiling. Moving, bouncing from place to place while looking for an apartment, trying to get my transcripts so I can enroll in Uni. Trying to get my earrings back from my jeweler. The pressures of this along with starting my own business, working my regular job, my internship, and my life in general are hard enough to balance. Add in the above mentioned pressures just make it all that much harder. I had a bit of a cry, but I have yet to break down and really cry and I think that seems to be what I need to do.  And yet for some reason I can't seem to. I don't think the lack of sleep is helping either. I am getting nearly the normal amount that I usually do, but it's not restful anymore. And getting more isn't helping either. I'd resort to sleeping pills, but I don't like taking them. I don't like not being able to get up if I have to. I want to be able to wake up if something happens or someone calls me and it's an emergency. My therapist says sleep is important, but I refuse to talk to my doc about sleep meds I OTC stuff generally doesn't work either. If this goes on much longer, I may cave....

And I do welcome open follows btw ^_^

Gonna try to relax....

Serin out