Economic Abuse

This was my exhusband when we were married. I was constantly told I was selfish for spending funds on things such as my life saving medications and femenine essentials. He kept such a tight leash on the money that when we split, I had exactly 32 bucks in my checking account. Come to find out, he was blowing money on the stock market off credit cards while I was sleeping and using MY paychecks to pay them off in secret out of our joint checking account that I had no access to.

This came about because our temple marriage prep class actually ENCOURAGED the men to take control of ALL household funds and dole out money to the wives to pay the bills and get the household things. It TOLD the husbands to handle all the funds and not "worry" the wives with the troubles of dealing with the banks as it could be too stressful for us while working towards having children.

I have a vice grip on my money now and refuse to allow my fiance access, he has his account, I have mine and never shall the two meet. We each take a few bills and pay them ourselves while telling the other when we need help to make a payment or to get something. Generally, if one doesn't have the money, the other does.


economic abuse

Depressed

It's hard to see others succeed when you work so hard and see such little result for all the effort. I sit and watch those around me do very well and yet my life seems to sit stagnant and without change. I have struggled for so long in life and fought tooth and nail for all I have and yet all around me I see people who work half as hard and they get all they want in life and then some.

People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?

I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.

I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.

Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.

Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.


The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.

Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.

Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.

When you grow up like this photo above, always wondering if you have enough to cover everything necessary while struggling so hard for the basics to live, it hurts to have to see the photos below week after week after week. 

The church does nothing to help the least of it's members with out requiring something in exchange, even if it interferes with their current job. The church doesn't actually help the member in need to find a better job through networking, they just set up a standard job hunting website like everyone else.

A confession

So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.

People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

A rather painful realization

So, I've been trying to deny the long held truth that most of the people I call friend really aren't my friend as I am to them. I've looked at the majority of the photos of myself on Facebook and I'm usually the one who takes them or I have to ask someone to take them using my camera and yet I am always snapping photos of them. I've got quite a few of me with friends and many of them have asked me not to tag them in said photos and yet they are tagged like crazy by their "Better looking" friends. It's painful to realize that I'm ok to hang with and take photos with so long as no one knows. Why is it I seem to always be the friend in the shadows or in secret? Why am I the one always behind the camera? What is it about me that is so unattractive that I can't be on other people's pages or tagged with the people who claim to be my friends? Is it because I'm not traditionally thin? Or because I clearly need braces? Or my glasses? What is so ugly about me that no one wants to be a photo with me?

I guess I'm the fat chick who is only good enough to be the secret friend or the one always behind the camera taking the photos. It's really hurtful to know as well.

This ties to another realization that I am only good enough to hang out with at school really. I see my friends doing all this fun stuff and yet I never get invited. And when I ask, they claim "I figured you'd be busy" or "We didn't think you'd have fun" In all reality, they forgot about me and do so until they need me for some reason or another. Then I get to see all these posts about how bored they are and yet never once do I see a text or phone call unless they want me to do the driving, buy them food, or anything else they can get out of me. And yet, when I see said friends, they ask me why I never got in contact with them or where have I been?

I may begin to take some drastic measures to make it clear how displeased I am with this crap and that I won't put up with it anymore. I am tired of being the part-time friend. I am tired of being the one that is put up and taken down off the shelf when it's convenient for everyone else. I am tired of being the one that only is a friend when I can provide something of some kind, no matter how much it may hurt me emotionally.

Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends who genuinely want to hang out with me and I love them dearly for it and they know who they are. They talk to me often. I even have a few photos with one of my closest friends and that makes me feel very loved and cared for. I hope these friends know how much I love them and how much I cherish their friendship, even though it's hard for me to have time to hang out right now with my current situation.

I hope that one day I make a lot of friends that are like the ones who are my true friends and that my circle of real friends is strong.