Economic Abuse

This was my exhusband when we were married. I was constantly told I was selfish for spending funds on things such as my life saving medications and femenine essentials. He kept such a tight leash on the money that when we split, I had exactly 32 bucks in my checking account. Come to find out, he was blowing money on the stock market off credit cards while I was sleeping and using MY paychecks to pay them off in secret out of our joint checking account that I had no access to.

This came about because our temple marriage prep class actually ENCOURAGED the men to take control of ALL household funds and dole out money to the wives to pay the bills and get the household things. It TOLD the husbands to handle all the funds and not "worry" the wives with the troubles of dealing with the banks as it could be too stressful for us while working towards having children.

I have a vice grip on my money now and refuse to allow my fiance access, he has his account, I have mine and never shall the two meet. We each take a few bills and pay them ourselves while telling the other when we need help to make a payment or to get something. Generally, if one doesn't have the money, the other does.


economic abuse

The truth

I am a depressed person and I am sick of fucking always hearing that I just need therapy or to be fucking happy or reminded that I am in a mood. No one wants to help for real. The only help ever offered is to pass me onto a doctor or to ask a doctor to stuff me with meds. 

No one wants to help not really. Not even those who say they love me. It's about doing the bare minimum needed in order to alleviate guilt. 

I sit here struggling just to survive while I watch all my friends swim in success... I spend hours looking for a new job that will pay a livable salary and yet I have friends who have jobs and cushy living situations just fall into their laps. 

My health is spiraling downward while everyone else seems to be getting all they want with so very little effort. Someone I call a friend has a cushy job they do not appreciate.

The lack of appreciation for what they have is what bothers me the most. The constant complaining of how they are still lacking in some way while simultaneously posting about how they are out and about doing things like getting tattoos and going to concerts and such.

I always make an attempt to thankful for what I have, even though my anxiety tells me it's not enough to keep me going. I think that's where the anger comes from, the blatant disregard for what they already have. The same friend who got the windfall, had a nearly brand new car paid off free and clear and she still went out and bought a 20k truck because her new fuck toy wanted to have a truck for them to go have fun in. Now she complains that she wants to get a new stereo in both cars, a new alarm, AND Bluetooth for both cars.

Bottom line is I wish she would just step back and be happy with what she has. She has a house, a car, a dog, a life, and her bills are guaranteed to be paid for god knows how long. I just wish people who can't be thankful could live where things are actually shitty.

I Am

I am loud, I am brash, I speak directly and don't believe in beating around the bush. I don't sugar coat things that don't need to be. 

I am an unrepentant liberal/socialist. I believe that it's no one's business, but my own what I do with my body and the same for everyone else.

 I think the rich are too rich and the poor are too poor, that there needs to be a redistribution of wage and money. 

I think that the rich need to be taxed at a HUGE percentage and ALL that money needs to be spent on those who need it most, with absolutely NO tax breaks for the rich or businesses. 

I think rapists need to be treated like terrorists and that the focus of all crimes in the news should be on the victims and their families NOT the people who commit the crime.

I think Muslims are awesome people with a bad rep and that conservatism is the greatest threat to this country and freedom. 

I believe that marriage is between consenting adults gender need not matter. I will NEVER back down from defending what I believe. 

I will post what I want about my beliefs and I will never remove them. I welcome open peaceful dialogue and enjoy debate. 

I will NOT tolerate hate speech nor will I allow comments that serve nothing but to inflame those around the post.

This won the internet for the day!

http://www.upworthy.com/she-grew-up-mormon-and-carried-a-big-secret-for-most-of-her-life?c=ufb1

My fave Etsy shop just updated!!!

https://www.etsy.com/listing/111807246/hufflepuff-celtic-cable-headband


Yea!!!!!

Every Mormon needs to read this.

http://rationalfaiths.com/combatting-cultural-lies-ambitious-lds-women/

Depressed

It's hard to see others succeed when you work so hard and see such little result for all the effort. I sit and watch those around me do very well and yet my life seems to sit stagnant and without change. I have struggled for so long in life and fought tooth and nail for all I have and yet all around me I see people who work half as hard and they get all they want in life and then some.

People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?

I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.

I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.

Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.

Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.


The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.

Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.

Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.

When you grow up like this photo above, always wondering if you have enough to cover everything necessary while struggling so hard for the basics to live, it hurts to have to see the photos below week after week after week. 

The church does nothing to help the least of it's members with out requiring something in exchange, even if it interferes with their current job. The church doesn't actually help the member in need to find a better job through networking, they just set up a standard job hunting website like everyone else.

No one truly understands

I live everyday in constant pain. Every inch of me hurts from sun up to sun down. People think they can understand but they don't. Sure they have aches and pains but those go away. Mine never does. I'm sick, I have an illness that can never be cured. Yes, it can be treated but the benefits of the meds don't out weigh their negatives. I'd rather live in pain everyday of my life then live in a drugged haze like most doctors would want me to.

But no one likes to hear that I'm ill. It's about their lives and their aches and pains. It's about their desire to pretend that there is nothing wrong with anyone else. No one likes to hear that someone they care about is sick, especially when they don't appear to be ill. Not all illnesses give off an outward symptom. I was born with Fibromyalgia. I will die with it as well. My nerves are fried and can never turn off. People don't want to have to acknowledge that a person who can smile, laugh, pull 32 hour work weeks, and go to school full time, could possible be ill and not receive treatment.

I tried getting treatment. I've had the disease for so long my body can't handle the meds. I was on them, I spent one year on them and most of the time was a zombie. Because of my illness my memory is shot, I have to write a lot of things down most people would be able to remember with one try.

This illness makes me depressed, it comes and it goes and for once I wish someone would truly understand.... but no one truly understands

Christmas holidays....

Christmas was a blast! I got awesome things! I got this beautiful watch and sweater from the BFs mom, a wonderful skein of yarn from his sister and bro in law, a great dvd from the BF, and a book from his mum again! It was great! I may have only gotten a few gifts but I loved them all and the thought that was put into them. I did the same, only I got everyone a single gift. Except the BF and his nephews. I got the boys a gift to share and the BF's present had little goodies in it. In his body pillow, there was chocolate and a dvd for him to watch lol. Over all Christmas was great! Hope all my readers had a great one as well.

Just a note, I would really love to hear from the people who have read my blog thus far. It would really mean a lot to me if someone were to tell me what they thought of my words as they come out.

Toodles!