Economic Abuse

This was my exhusband when we were married. I was constantly told I was selfish for spending funds on things such as my life saving medications and femenine essentials. He kept such a tight leash on the money that when we split, I had exactly 32 bucks in my checking account. Come to find out, he was blowing money on the stock market off credit cards while I was sleeping and using MY paychecks to pay them off in secret out of our joint checking account that I had no access to.

This came about because our temple marriage prep class actually ENCOURAGED the men to take control of ALL household funds and dole out money to the wives to pay the bills and get the household things. It TOLD the husbands to handle all the funds and not "worry" the wives with the troubles of dealing with the banks as it could be too stressful for us while working towards having children.

I have a vice grip on my money now and refuse to allow my fiance access, he has his account, I have mine and never shall the two meet. We each take a few bills and pay them ourselves while telling the other when we need help to make a payment or to get something. Generally, if one doesn't have the money, the other does.


economic abuse

I am...tired

I can't explain it any other way. I am tired. I can feel everything I believed in fading. I look around me and I see everyone else's lives going places while mine seems to be lingering and going to pot. 

It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.

I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.

I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé  but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.

It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best. 

When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her. 

It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification. 

The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do. 

It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices. 

The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman. 


School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.

I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.


It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore.  Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.

Thoughts...Again

It's amazing how hard it is to write about something personal and publish it, fearing rejection of scathing remarks, only to find the rejection is of a different kind. The rejection of lack of understanding. I'm sure people read the post and then simply moved on, seeing it as a cry for attention, when really it was a cry for understanding, something people seem less and less likely as the world goes from self-less to selfish. People don't want to care anymore. They want the world to revolve around them, why should they care if someone has a problem that can ruin their life, it's not harming anyone else. But the matter is, it does harm, it harms the whole world.

One person's phobia, especially one about money can cause more issues than a single selfish person can believe. The loss of one person who contributes to the economy is a devastation and the fact that people don't understand that really bugs the hell out of me.

just a short prayer...

My job interview is in less than 48 hours. I pray to God I get this job. He knows I need this to get my life on the proper track. I pray his will is in the path of mine and this job is my path in this next stage of my life.

The Darker Side of My Life

As stated before, I'm a switch. This means I am both Dominant and Submissive. This also means that I have issues with certain labels in the 'kink' community. First off, let me say, I have no qualms with what people do in their bedrooms. What is done in people's private lives is their own choice and not much of my business.

But I am not part of the 'mainstream' 'kink' world. I can't be called a slave or a submissive, or a master or a dom in the truest sense of the word. I can dominate someone but I can't do it all the time or in every sexual encounter. Nor can I be submissive all the time or in every sexual encounter.

No one can own me...ever. I am the only person who owns me. I can give control over and let it go in certain aspects but I own myself and that's the end of it. I don't mind giving up control, but I can and do take it back. It's my personality.

I will never have a true master. I cannot have a true dom for myself. And it's not because I haven't met anyone who is more dominant then me, it's simply because I cannot and will not be owned.

Taking a deep breath...

I finally have the room to take a deep breath. For once in my life things seem calm outside of my job.


The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.

I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...

Courage...

I wish I had the courage to try to find a way to make knitting profitable so I wouldn't have to work so hard to get through college. It's not easy to balance a relationship, full time classes, and a job that has me working anywhere from 12 to 35 hours in a week. I only earn a few hundred and I know to some it's a lot of money or just enough to pay bills, but the stress is so horrid that I have trouble sleeping, staying awake in class, studying, and even just relaxing and having fun with the BF. I am going to have to find away to de-stress with all this on my plate. Maybe I should start really doing my photography thing for fun again. I use to wander the neighborhood and take pictures of the sky and scenery, I think I need to start doing that again...

Thoughts

I have been called a lot of things in my life. Mostly it's people calling me a "Know-it-all". I get it, I really do, people don't appreciate it when someone is smarter then them or comes across as such. The program I am enrolled in for university has shocked me. Most of the people in my classes seem to have no desire to participate in class. Half of them choose not to even answer the questions that the professor poses, the other half either don't give the right answer or don't offer a complete one. I spend half the class bored out of my skull because these people are either very far behind or can't even pay attention long enough to finish the class with out the teacher having to go over things we were taught years ago while working on our AA degrees!

I don't mean to sound like I am stuck up, but it drives me batty that I seem to be the most intelligent person in the class room out side of the professor. Even in classes where I don't read the book all the time, I seem to be miles ahead of the rest of the class. Maybe it's because I am the only one willing to talk in class most of the time. Maybe it's because I have no fear of sharing my knowledge and letting people know what I know. I don't think knowledge should be kept to ones self. I think that people should freely share what they know and not be afraid of sharing what they know with all those around them.

When people bully others because they fell inferior or they think its "uncool" to be smart or come across as such, I find it to be incredibly unintelligent and childish.

Thoughts

Politics aren't about religious views, they are about important things, like education, taxes and safety. It is a woman's body and should she be raped whether it be a stranger, acquaintance or family, she shouldn't be forced to have the child, nor should she be forced to die because she has a medical necessity to have an abortion, a tubal pregnancy is a death sentence for a woman and so is uterian scar tissue. This doesn't mean I think a woman should use abortion as birth control, but it is her right as it is her body.

Readings....

So between work and school all I've had time to read is text books and the news. None of which are very uplifting when one looks at the world around them. I've found very interesting articles to read and I have been reading them during my resting time since I am laid up with a bladder infection. The saddest part about being sick is that it may have spread to my kidneys and if the antibiotics don't take care of the infection quickly enough, I may have to be put on an IV of even stronger medicine.

Back to my reading, http://valdostadailytimes.com/local/x1669710237/Lowndes-grading-guide-stirs-controversy   This article for instance shows that a school is talking about forcing teachers to force their students to redo their school work if the grade isn't appropriate... Not cool people. I've also been reading about sexuality. Yes, the Mormon reads of stuff like that too people. I was married at one point and time even though I'm only 24 at the time of writing this. I am a person who is fueled by knowledge and as far as I am concerned, nothing needs to be off limits if a person is truly to be well rounded.

Rambles.....

I don't know why but for some reason I feel like rambling. Maybe it's because I've had a head ache for a few days, or because I over did it on food today, or because I'm really tired and should crawl into bed, but don't want to. But I do know that I've had a though going through my head for a few days now, everyone gets asked at least once in their life if they could go back and change anything, would they? Well for me at this point, my answer is: No, I wouldn't change a thing. Every ounce of pain, every tear I have shed, every drop of sweat that has fallen from my brow has helped make me who I am today. It has helped shape my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. I would never have learned how to stand for myself, voice what I want and take what I want when I have earned it. With out that pain and suffering, I never would have learned how to savor the sweet things in life and with out those sweet things I wouldn't have anything to look forward to or remember when painful, scary, or stressful situations arise.

I've also come to the rather scary conclusion that I do truly love my boyfriend and that I do want to marry him... The reason this scares me is simple really, I don't want to fall for someone so hard and that deeply that I can become seriously hurt. What got me to come to this conclusion you ask? Well, I had a visit with my visiting teacher and she asked if the BF and I had talked of marriage. Truth be told, yes, have. It's normal in a young couple is discuss such things and it shows that we are both looking to be adult about our lives and not just "Go with the flow". I do actually want to get married again, despite the emotional pain that my first marriage was and the nightmare it became towards the end. Part of what holds me back is the fear of becoming a burden on someone again. I don't want someone else to have to take care of me after I just discovered my ability to stand on my own two feet.

Rant done for now. I may come back to this post again and add more as the time is needed.

Bleh

The last few days have been Bleh to say the least. Between killing the battery of my car to the point I had to replace it, finding out I did indeed have an oil leak still, and finding out my car needed a 400 dollar repair or my alignment was toast, this week has just plain SUCKED. The only good thing has been my BF loved his hat for his bday and I'm trying to knit my first sweater. THat's about it really. It doesn't help I've had a couple of friends decide to fuck their lives up royally by one, getting back with an EX and the other deciding not to dump her stupid alcoholic, pill popping, dead end job having BF's butt >.< Why do I seem to be the only person with a brain around my friends?!

Quick thought.

Just a quick little blurb... if you are reading my blog, please let me know. I love to hear from readers, I've noticed a recent spike in readers and would love to meet/hear from you all ^_^

I have the weirdest thoughts

I have the weirdest thoughts at times I swear.

I'm sitting here watching another Vlogger about Islam and it's pretty interesting. But it made me think since I am in the dating scene and she met her husband the way I met my potential beaux only on a different site how strange it can be that people can meet and fall in love by talking on a screen and over the phone or via video chat... It just seems a bit weird seeing my boy is only a couple of cities away from me.

I'm actually kinda scared that I am dating again. It's frightening to think I'm putting my heart out again to potentially be broken, shattered, crushed or just plain abused. So far my boy doesn't seem to be like that though. He's been nothing but sweet, willing to go at my pace and has been putting up with my lunacy so calmly it's amazing!! Ok, lunacy over lol

Thoughts

So this week has been more uncomfortable then others. I've had to read chapters in class about things that brought back horrid memories, get my last wisdom tooth pulled, and trying this whole dating thing and realizing I'm not so great at it. In fact, I'm quite terrified of it to be honest. I don't want to get hurt again, nor do I want to be alone forever. I'm pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one. Trying to balance not losing my heart to quickly with this young man I'm talking with along with school, work, and friends hasn't made getting over my fright of being hurt any easier. The church doesn't want me in therapy anymore. They say if I still need it, I can use the therapists at school unless I start to get worse... again. I don't plan on back tracking. I've worked hard to get my eating disorder under control. And I don't plan on letting it get that bad again. My health is finally getting better even with the scare on my liver.


I'm finally getting down to the weight that I want to be, though the DR wants me to get down to 119 pounds. I just want a flat tummy and I'll be happy. For me it's not about begin a certain size, it's about having the figure I want and that figure happens to have a flat tummy and maybe still be full sized.


Idk, I think I'm way to tired to keep thinking this in-depth. I'm off to sleep for the night or at least relax with some Highlander.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I posted. Been busy. Got into the university I applied for. Got my loans and stuff squared away and wound up in the hospital. All in one month. I'm better now, it was a pretty bad infection though. And thankfully it looks like it won't be coming back. Now it looks like I may have endometrisis though which sucks and has pretty much screwed any chances of me ever having children royally. I'm still looking for an SO but I'm in no hurry after all I'm just starting university this month, I have plenty of time to find someone to love me. I'm still plugging away at my various passions and that makes me atleast a bit happy. I also found a place to live on a permanent thing and that has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Also my therapist thinks I may be able to reduce our sessions to once or twice a month but it's only an experiment. Well, I'll write more later, more then likely tomorrow, but who knows.

What a week

This week has been one hell of thing. First of all. It was the 4th of july, I can't stand people who use illegal fireworks. Other then that it wasn't much of a day worth thinking of. Then came the doc appt where I was told it looks like I had an ovarian cyst, but it really turns out I have PID which blows. 12 hours in the ER to be told it was a bacterial infection. Life sucks at times. I had work on Thursday and Friday. I just wish life would go my way at times, but no. I'm still the universe's kick puppy for now >.< My grandma's birthday was this week which sucked huge ones since she passed about 3 years ago. All well, there's the recap. Nothing more to say.

Tired

I'm tired. Very tired in fact. I've been sleeping more, taking naps during the day for up to an hour and it's beginning to worry me. I fell asleep around 730 in the after noon today and woke up an hour later. It's not like me to nap like this. I'm getting plenty of sleep a night, I know I am since I'm going to bed earlier then usual, but I'm still waking up around 9 am like clock work, without an alarm. >.< This wouldn't have me nearly as worried if it weren't for the fact I am so not a morning person. I generally stay up until 2 am and I get up around 10ish or just before 11 am. I'm now seeing 8 am and 9 am like clock work and it's disconcerting to say the least.

Humm...

So I took a few days off of blogging to let my mind wrap around my whole eating disorder thing and made it a point to tell people I was close to. I got some mixed reactions. Though the one universal thing was most people couldn't tell at all other then the fact that in about a year I've gone from weighing 193.9 pounds to 156.4 pounds. Though, the gall bladder surgery did help with that as well. I told one friend yesterday and she insisted on buying my lunch and my dinner to make sure I ate! I have very awesome friends at times and I love them dearly. I am also working on several business ventures most of which I can't go into details due to privacy reasons and as I have said, I want this blog to be as anonymous as possible so that I can feel free to say what I wish with little risk of it bleeding into my daily life and the drama that it may cause there.

Serin Out

A rather painful realization

So, I've been trying to deny the long held truth that most of the people I call friend really aren't my friend as I am to them. I've looked at the majority of the photos of myself on Facebook and I'm usually the one who takes them or I have to ask someone to take them using my camera and yet I am always snapping photos of them. I've got quite a few of me with friends and many of them have asked me not to tag them in said photos and yet they are tagged like crazy by their "Better looking" friends. It's painful to realize that I'm ok to hang with and take photos with so long as no one knows. Why is it I seem to always be the friend in the shadows or in secret? Why am I the one always behind the camera? What is it about me that is so unattractive that I can't be on other people's pages or tagged with the people who claim to be my friends? Is it because I'm not traditionally thin? Or because I clearly need braces? Or my glasses? What is so ugly about me that no one wants to be a photo with me?

I guess I'm the fat chick who is only good enough to be the secret friend or the one always behind the camera taking the photos. It's really hurtful to know as well.

This ties to another realization that I am only good enough to hang out with at school really. I see my friends doing all this fun stuff and yet I never get invited. And when I ask, they claim "I figured you'd be busy" or "We didn't think you'd have fun" In all reality, they forgot about me and do so until they need me for some reason or another. Then I get to see all these posts about how bored they are and yet never once do I see a text or phone call unless they want me to do the driving, buy them food, or anything else they can get out of me. And yet, when I see said friends, they ask me why I never got in contact with them or where have I been?

I may begin to take some drastic measures to make it clear how displeased I am with this crap and that I won't put up with it anymore. I am tired of being the part-time friend. I am tired of being the one that is put up and taken down off the shelf when it's convenient for everyone else. I am tired of being the one that only is a friend when I can provide something of some kind, no matter how much it may hurt me emotionally.

Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends who genuinely want to hang out with me and I love them dearly for it and they know who they are. They talk to me often. I even have a few photos with one of my closest friends and that makes me feel very loved and cared for. I hope these friends know how much I love them and how much I cherish their friendship, even though it's hard for me to have time to hang out right now with my current situation.

I hope that one day I make a lot of friends that are like the ones who are my true friends and that my circle of real friends is strong.