Struggling

I don't post often, not like I use to at least. A lot of that has to do with the fact I am in Law School and don't have much in the way of time to do as such. Some of it also has to do with the fact that I suffer depression and lately it's been getting worse.

I don't just have depression. I have a depression that never wants to go away once it begins. I lose the will to do anything, even shower and I am a neat freak. I've tried medications, but they don't seem to help like it says they will. I always feel like I'm walking though a haze, a fog that just sits there and I can never seem to walk out of. Once I'm off the meds, the fog goes away but the depression and pain comes back with a vengeance.

People look at me and never seem to understand how I can say I have depression and still function. I have always been able to place a mask over my face that hides all that ails me. Most people don't even realize how bad I feel on the inside because on the outside I make it seem like I am fantastic.

The sad truth is, I'm not. I am miserable. Because of my depression, it never feels like my life is getting any better. Sure, I've got my B.A but I still don't have a job that lets me support myself. I have a car, but the poor thing is 17 years old and nearing 300k in mileage. I've gotten into law school, but because of the depression, I have no will to study and I am starting to fail... badly. Or at least I am in my head.

It just feels like I can never get my head above water. Nothing I do seems to make a difference in my life. I went to college to get a better job and I am still working retail, making barely enough to cover my gas and food. I can't even make rent with how crappy my hours are.

I know people out there have it worse then I do, but it seems like I never get a head. I'm always the one of my friends who has a goal is always reaching for it while those around me just have great things fall into their laps. A friend of mine moved out of state and he landed a job within three weeks of moving and can now afford his own place to live while I had to take out a credit card just to fix my car! Another friend is getting a promotion and buying her first house and she is three years younger then me and I'm turning 27 this year!

With law school, it's like a show off of all the people who are doing far better then I am. There is a woman who is going to law school after working as a paralegal for years and her husband is paying her tuition so she doesn't have to work or take out loans. There is a girl in class who is 21 for god sakes and she has a better job then me and has bought her own car!

I'm 27, never bought a car of my own that wasn't a tow yard rescue, never had a job that paid a living wage, never even lived on my own. It's like life has left me in the gutter to drown and I'm too stupid to realize!

Everyone around me seems like their lives are taking off while I'm just treading water to keep from drowning. I have had friends or at least people I thought were my friends put barely any effort into their lives and suddenly everything falls into place. I push and push and push and it feels like the world just shoves me down and gives me everyone else's sloppy seconds.


The bottom line is, I need help and I need hope and no one seems to want to give it. My fiancé can't, his life is no better then mine these days and my family can't as they are barely making it themselves. I am alone and drowning in this life and no one wants or cares to try to save me.

just a short prayer...

My job interview is in less than 48 hours. I pray to God I get this job. He knows I need this to get my life on the proper track. I pray his will is in the path of mine and this job is my path in this next stage of my life.

Wow...

This semester at school has been crazy, between the mentoring program blowing up and me not getting enough hours to get a grade I think I should have gotten and the class that I thought would be the easiest turning out to be the hardest, I can't believe I survived.

These are my grades as of now and while I am proud, I wish my last class would drop...I know I passed, but I would feel ten times better if I knew what the grade was. I can't relax until I do.

My car was broken into and a bunch of my gaming stuff was stolen. My dice bag was gone and so was my atari belt buckle that I was suppose to take that day and get made into a nice belt. They also took my prescription sunglass which made me mad, but the dice bag being stolen made me cry for quite a bit.

My poor car. I ended up having to get the window replaced as well and that bugged me because you can only get UV treated glass from the dealership and they wanted way more then I was willing to pay for it. I know a glass place that was able to get me a regular window and it works fine. I called the eye glasses place where I get my eye exam every other year and they were nice enough to give me a new pair for the same price I got my old pair. They aren't nearly as nice, but they will work until next year when I am due for a check up and replacement of my lenses anyway.

When I realized my dice bag was gone I had to go out and buy new dice. I've spent a lot of cash on dice in the last few weeks and it doesn't even match what I  had yet. I also wound up knitting my new dice bag, but I won't be posting that photo here. Those photos will be going on my blog that is about my knitting as this one is about my life and things I feel shouldn't be linked to my Facebook account.

I'm getting ready for the LSATs this october and it's kinda got me scared. I want to score well and I need to. The law school I want to go to has told me that the higher my LSAT score is, the less they will look at my GPA. However, I am confident I can get a decent enough score.

How did this happen?

How did this happen? How did I let it happen? How did you do it? How did you steal my heart in just a few months? How did you sneak into my heart like this? And why does it scare the life out of me that you have? Love isn't suppose to be scary and yet this scares me more then holding a loaded gun. What am I to do now? You ninjaed my heart and you weren't even trying....

Just some thoughts...

Today gave me a good scare. I tend to go out to the local card shop every Friday as it's Friday Night Magic and I play that game as well as D&D and usual the night goes great, but tonight I got the crap scared out of me by the local street racers speeding through the parking lot. It was so bad I had to call the police and we couldn't leave for about a half hour. Every time either me or one of my friends would get near our cars, one of the street racers would start peeling out and one of them nearly hit my poor car and my friend's BMW. Now, I'm not rich and neither is he, he just got a great deal on the bloody car and decided to spring for it since he had the money. Needless to say once the cops showed up, the four of us fled while we could and while it was safe for us to do so. I drove all the way home white-knuckling it, because my nerves were so fried from the scare. I mean, all I did was walk near my car to put my MTG cards in the back seat and my gaming back in the front passenger seat and these guys leaped into their car and began to peel out and do doughnuts around the parking lot, keeping us from leaving and nearly plowing into my car, my friend's BMW and a parked Mustang.... I was terrified. I nearly cried and I'm not much of a person to cry really.

what scares me isn't that these people are doing this, it's that they think it's ok to do in a public area and where there are kids running around as there is an IN N OUT burger in that same parking lot. That's what scares me and the fact that they don't seem to care that there are other cars in this parking lot that aren't part of their little illegal group. I want to make this very very clear... DRAG RACING IN MODESTO CALIFORNIA IS A FELONY!!!!!!!!!!! These kids need to be arrested and put away for this crap! Their precious little cars need to be impounded permanently and sold to people who aren't drag racers or junked for parts! I'm sick of this crap happening and people getting hurt because these morons can't behave in normal society. Maybe if they were actually punished for this crap instead of just chased off it might stop in the area...


Ok my dear readers, I'm done for the night.