From the lips of babes

http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a45719/gay-mormon-community/

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

My newest beef with any form of modern Christianity

This is my newest beef with America's modern Christianity. The "Christian" Right's lunacy no longer has any bounds. After reading each of these articles, I have been pushed further away from organized religion of any kind.

Responsibility falls disproportionately to women, who are taught to protect their “purity” and to never “tempt” their brothers in Christ to “stumble” with immodest behavior. “The lack of men’s responsibility or culpability for their own actions and the acceptance of male ‘urges’ as irresistible forces of nature is the understructure of Christian modesty movements and their secular counterpart. ~ Taken from one of the articles.

Putting all responsibility on women over sexual assault has rapidly become a tenant of modern christianity. Placing the blame on women causes men to think they are free to do what ever they choose. Women are not lesser then men, they not not born just to be mothers and be the subservient "helpmeet" of their husbands. Women are not suppose to let their husbands have sex whenever they desire, nor are they suppose to continuously be pregnant. Women are not broodmares put on this earth for the enjoyment of men.

Women are humans, they have rights, thoughts, desires, and dreams. If a man thinks like this, he needs to be removed from the gene pool, period.

Struggling

I don't post often, not like I use to at least. A lot of that has to do with the fact I am in Law School and don't have much in the way of time to do as such. Some of it also has to do with the fact that I suffer depression and lately it's been getting worse.

I don't just have depression. I have a depression that never wants to go away once it begins. I lose the will to do anything, even shower and I am a neat freak. I've tried medications, but they don't seem to help like it says they will. I always feel like I'm walking though a haze, a fog that just sits there and I can never seem to walk out of. Once I'm off the meds, the fog goes away but the depression and pain comes back with a vengeance.

People look at me and never seem to understand how I can say I have depression and still function. I have always been able to place a mask over my face that hides all that ails me. Most people don't even realize how bad I feel on the inside because on the outside I make it seem like I am fantastic.

The sad truth is, I'm not. I am miserable. Because of my depression, it never feels like my life is getting any better. Sure, I've got my B.A but I still don't have a job that lets me support myself. I have a car, but the poor thing is 17 years old and nearing 300k in mileage. I've gotten into law school, but because of the depression, I have no will to study and I am starting to fail... badly. Or at least I am in my head.

It just feels like I can never get my head above water. Nothing I do seems to make a difference in my life. I went to college to get a better job and I am still working retail, making barely enough to cover my gas and food. I can't even make rent with how crappy my hours are.

I know people out there have it worse then I do, but it seems like I never get a head. I'm always the one of my friends who has a goal is always reaching for it while those around me just have great things fall into their laps. A friend of mine moved out of state and he landed a job within three weeks of moving and can now afford his own place to live while I had to take out a credit card just to fix my car! Another friend is getting a promotion and buying her first house and she is three years younger then me and I'm turning 27 this year!

With law school, it's like a show off of all the people who are doing far better then I am. There is a woman who is going to law school after working as a paralegal for years and her husband is paying her tuition so she doesn't have to work or take out loans. There is a girl in class who is 21 for god sakes and she has a better job then me and has bought her own car!

I'm 27, never bought a car of my own that wasn't a tow yard rescue, never had a job that paid a living wage, never even lived on my own. It's like life has left me in the gutter to drown and I'm too stupid to realize!

Everyone around me seems like their lives are taking off while I'm just treading water to keep from drowning. I have had friends or at least people I thought were my friends put barely any effort into their lives and suddenly everything falls into place. I push and push and push and it feels like the world just shoves me down and gives me everyone else's sloppy seconds.


The bottom line is, I need help and I need hope and no one seems to want to give it. My fiancé can't, his life is no better then mine these days and my family can't as they are barely making it themselves. I am alone and drowning in this life and no one wants or cares to try to save me.

Depressed

It's hard to see others succeed when you work so hard and see such little result for all the effort. I sit and watch those around me do very well and yet my life seems to sit stagnant and without change. I have struggled for so long in life and fought tooth and nail for all I have and yet all around me I see people who work half as hard and they get all they want in life and then some.

People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?

I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.

I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.

Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.

Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.


The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.

Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.

Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.

When you grow up like this photo above, always wondering if you have enough to cover everything necessary while struggling so hard for the basics to live, it hurts to have to see the photos below week after week after week. 

The church does nothing to help the least of it's members with out requiring something in exchange, even if it interferes with their current job. The church doesn't actually help the member in need to find a better job through networking, they just set up a standard job hunting website like everyone else.

Rant time

If someone is stupid enough to think that vaccines cause autism or any other disability, they do not deserve to reproduce. Thanks to their ignorance and moronic behavior under the guise of "religion" children are going to get sick and die from preventable diseases.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vqjb0

Learn something before you post. Don't be a fucking moron

A Challenge

I challenge any "Christian" to show me in the New Testament as those are the words of Christ where he said anything about denying help to the poor, hoarding your wealth, and anything about homosexuality. It must be from the KJV and New Testament only or it is not the words of Christ.

A confession

So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.

People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

Rant Time

So how is that a college graduate with a decent GPA and awesome letters of recommendations can't get a job?!

Particularly when the posting says very few people have applied for said position. Most of these companies cannot even give people the courtesy of sending a letter saying that someone else was chosen.

People end up wondering what it was they did wrong or what was wrong with their resume.

What ever happened to courtesy in the job hunting world!?

Sad day...

So today is a sad day for me. Not for a personal reason, but because I realized how sad many people I consider to be my friends really are. A friend of mine got married to a guy after dating him for 5 months. They were only married for a couple of years before she moved back home and started divorce proceedings. To cap it off, she is already dating another guy, her divorce isn't final I might add, saying this one is the love of her life and how happy they are and how he is the greatest thing to ever happen to her... This saddens me because it's a glaring example of how people my age rush into marriage, and when things get bumpy, rather than fix things or work on them, they just throw it away and run back home to mummy and daddy. They go from claiming to have the perfect marriage to trying to smear campaign each other into humiliation and it greatly depresses me because they chose to leap into a marriage and yet don't have the maturity to fight for it when real life proves to be difficult to make it as adults with out the parents to pay for everything or give them money when ever they ask.

This particular girl has already moved back home, into her old room, gotten mummy and daddy to buy all new stuff for her to decorate with and has begun to "Flaunt" her new life for all to see. She acts as though it all never happened and that her life is once again perfect and untouched. She has gotten her parents to do more now for her then before she had been married and it's just a sad realization that marriage is dying because people have an overly romanticized view of what marriage is going to be like.

Marriage is hard work, no matter how strong you think your relationship is, once living together, paying bills and no longer having much in the way of private time exists, things become hard work. You have to work a lot to make things smooth and always be willing to discuss things and work them out.

They have a saying to never go to bed angry, but in reality, going to bed upset can help things come morning. Once both people have slept and have had a chance to calm down, it's easier to talk things out with out having ruffled and puffed out feathers to pick at.

Need to Vent

I know people generally use their blogs to rant and vent and I try to avoid this as much as possible. I use this blog mostly to talk about my life and the exploration there in.

That being said, I do occasionally feel the need to vent and rant and make my feelings known. As I live in an interesting world. Ranting to the people who have caused the issue would only make the issues worse. Especially when the rant and anger feelings are directed towards my boyfriend's roommates and their childish fear and paranoia. The boyfriend and I finally got a date for once where we didn't have his roomies tagging along or inviting themselves. This was blown to kingdom come while we were watching Prometheus in theater, an awesome movie by the by, when one of the roomies decided to call and whine at him because he forgot to lock a bolt in the door!

This angered me because they know perfectly well, if someone wanted to rob the house, a single bolt isn't going to stop them! These two LITTLE CHILDISH BOYS lock the house up like a freaking prison all day long. They get pissy if the door is unlocked for longer then it takes to walk into the house. They throw these freaked out temper tantrums when the BF or I cook and we open the door and sliding glass door to let things cool out naturally while we cook rather then raise the electric bill by using the AC. One of them even had the gall to lock the house up with the BF and I sitting in the rooms with said doors so we could watch them! He comes out every two hours! I swear! Just to unlock the front door, check the locks on the security door and re-lock the front door! He even takes the stick out of the sliding glass door to open and re-lock the sliding glass door!!!!!! The level of angry I have reached with this is impossible to describe!


Alright, venting done. Going to do something that makes me happy whilst I growl at the little boys my manly adult boyfriend is stuck with for roomies and sadly for friends.

Thoughts

I have been called a lot of things in my life. Mostly it's people calling me a "Know-it-all". I get it, I really do, people don't appreciate it when someone is smarter then them or comes across as such. The program I am enrolled in for university has shocked me. Most of the people in my classes seem to have no desire to participate in class. Half of them choose not to even answer the questions that the professor poses, the other half either don't give the right answer or don't offer a complete one. I spend half the class bored out of my skull because these people are either very far behind or can't even pay attention long enough to finish the class with out the teacher having to go over things we were taught years ago while working on our AA degrees!

I don't mean to sound like I am stuck up, but it drives me batty that I seem to be the most intelligent person in the class room out side of the professor. Even in classes where I don't read the book all the time, I seem to be miles ahead of the rest of the class. Maybe it's because I am the only one willing to talk in class most of the time. Maybe it's because I have no fear of sharing my knowledge and letting people know what I know. I don't think knowledge should be kept to ones self. I think that people should freely share what they know and not be afraid of sharing what they know with all those around them.

When people bully others because they fell inferior or they think its "uncool" to be smart or come across as such, I find it to be incredibly unintelligent and childish.

Anger...

I think I'm beginning to feel a certain amount of hatred for my own congregation... It's hard to explain but given the ward/branch I belong in has taken all the words I have said about my ex-roommates and decided that my words aren't worth any looking into and haven't bothered to even try to see if what I had to say about them and their life style is true or not. No, they just take what that "group" has to say at face value and ignore the one person who has said something that no longer lives with them. I think seeing them at church and knowing the church is still supporting them despite the fact they are outright using the church for support of the economic means and not bothering to show up unless there is free food involved and them not suffering any repercussions has put a seed of anger and hatred in my heart. I may need to step back and walk away for a bit to let things cool down in my heart and mind. I may even walk away from a couple of things I am involved in as well within the church so that I may not have much contact with them either....

Feeling Stupid

I feel like an idiot. I've been letting fears get in the way of my being happy. I've let one person's words worm their way into my head and heart and now I'm pay ing for it in the worst ways possible

Le Sigh

Today has been a Le Sigh day. Woke up with a headache so I stayed in bed for a bit. Next time I regained consciousness it was nearly noon and I had work today. So I did the "Oh crap!" Scramble and headed off for work which as usual when I wake up late or am not feeling well, is a disaster. Got done with work in time to head to the yarn shop and knit a bit. That relaxed me for a while. Then I stopped for food at Denny's and spent time with the ladies there since I am a bit of a regular. It's crazy to think that I am a regular at a Denny's lol, but sadly I am, even if I just stop in for a soda they know me. Once I was done there I headed home and commenced to do my paper work for my job and got onto Facebook where a "Friend" decided that she knew more about my job then I did. Hopefully once she's up at her university I won't have to deal with her pathetic know-it-all shit anymore. It's weird to see how different her and my life have gone in less then a year. As my life has progressed in a more positive way, hers only seems to be getting worse and she seems determined to drag everyone else down with her. She got super pissed that I found someone and have fallen in love and the only prospects she has are her dead beat ex-bfs >.< Just because I have actually tried to make my life better and she hasn't she thinks she has to keep me where I am in life.

I have worked hard to get where I am and I won't let anyone pull me down from it!

Nothing like Recovery...

Nothing like having to recover from an upper respiratory infection while doing presentations for school, studying for 4 finals that are all happening on the same day, trying to hold down my job, and writing 3 papers at once... My life is nuts and yet I am happy about it.

I can't say why, but it seems the more pressure that I have to get things done, the happier I feel in my life. I guess it makes me feel like I matter for some reason... Must consider this....

It's funny

I know I haven't written about my feelings in a while, but it seems things are coming to a head again... I find it funny that the friends I've made for games on Facebook are better friends then the ones I have in real life at times. My boy had to cancel on me twice in one day and it left me pretty depressed and that led me to notice that my "real life friends" aren't even friends anymore, the only time they seem to communicate with me is when they want something for their Facebook games... I mean really that's it. They never text or call, or even IM me when they see me on. A supposed "friend" only wants to hang out when he wants something I'm not willing to give and it's been steadily ticking me off to no end. I'm sorta projecting on the poor man and it made me vent to a friend the wrong words and feelings. I mean the insecure part of me does feel that maybe he's not as into me as I thought he was, but all he did was get real busy this week... He did promise that next Sat would be our day. Have I let my emotions get far too involved already? Could he just be using me to get a lot of attention? Am I reading too far into all this?

This is what goes round and round in my head when he doesn't respond to my texts or rushes off of our phone calls and says he'll text me later or call back but doesn't and I have to get his attention again... I did tell him I wanted to take this super slow, but it seems my subconscious is wanting to rush things and I'm not sure what to do about it. I fear talking to him to about these things because I don't want to drive him away.

But back to the friends. It really sucks that when I was at MJC, they always wanted to talk and do things, but then again most of them don't have cars and I tended to play chauffeur just to get their attention... I think that shows just what they thought of me if now that I'm not there to do those things, they don't talk to me anymore... I'm thinking I need to just delete them and get it over with. I mean it's not like they notice what I post anyway. It's the craziest thing that my getting dumped by my ex showed me just who my real friends are. And sadly that's not many. It seems the rumors a certain ex-friend are now spreading have set root and people are more apt to believe her then to look at the person they have been friends with for years. It also goes to show how intelligent they really are. People who will believe rumors over the person they know really don't have intelligence no matter what their grades, articulation, and conversational abilities are and that truly saddens me because it means the future of this nation (The US) and the world in general is pretty much screwed royally due to this being the people who are going to run it in a few years.

Interesting

So I ran a bit of an experiment after my blog post the other day and realized that maybe I have a couple more friends then I thought that I can add the they really care about me list. I posted a vague status about how I realized a painful truth after so long of pretending it couldn't be true and got a couple interesting responses. I have to say it does kinda bug the crap out of me that some people act like my status update doesn't exist and others just look and go away.

I may begin to "drop" people off my friends list and see what happens as most them are people who really only noticed me back at my community college and would whine about not having any money and yet they have mummy and daddy paying all their bills. I have a job, I work hard for my money and pay what bills I can when I can and these little "Children" who actually older then I am half the time aren't making anything and whining about not having the cash to buy soda, chips, and freaking junk food. Or because they can't afford their precious Magic cards or Yuugi Oh cards since mummy and daddy only gave them enough money to buy food and ride the bus. I've even seen them use said money for their wants and then call one of their parents saying they lost the money or they were never given it in the first place. I can honestly say I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of people who aren't going anywhere with their lives trying to drag me down and bring me to their level. I sit back and wonder why I'm friends with people who aren't even on my level of intelligence. They don't make me feel smarter, in fact most of the time they make me feel frustrated really.

Granted those people on the short list I mentioned before are so not like that thankfully. They are very intellectually stimulating and I can talk with them for hours about anything, but those who aren't our topics will usually stick to things I have read to death and they never have anything new to say or new for me to learn. I think I am just plain done with these people and may severely shrink my group of friends down over the summer.