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Showing posts with label lawschool. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lawschool. Show all posts
Monday, May 19, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
My fave Etsy shop just updated!!!
https://www.etsy.com/listing/111807246/hufflepuff-celtic-cable-headband
Yea!!!!!
Yea!!!!!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Struggling
I don't post often, not like I use to at least. A lot of that has to do with the fact I am in Law School and don't have much in the way of time to do as such. Some of it also has to do with the fact that I suffer depression and lately it's been getting worse.
I don't just have depression. I have a depression that never wants to go away once it begins. I lose the will to do anything, even shower and I am a neat freak. I've tried medications, but they don't seem to help like it says they will. I always feel like I'm walking though a haze, a fog that just sits there and I can never seem to walk out of. Once I'm off the meds, the fog goes away but the depression and pain comes back with a vengeance.
People look at me and never seem to understand how I can say I have depression and still function. I have always been able to place a mask over my face that hides all that ails me. Most people don't even realize how bad I feel on the inside because on the outside I make it seem like I am fantastic.
The sad truth is, I'm not. I am miserable. Because of my depression, it never feels like my life is getting any better. Sure, I've got my B.A but I still don't have a job that lets me support myself. I have a car, but the poor thing is 17 years old and nearing 300k in mileage. I've gotten into law school, but because of the depression, I have no will to study and I am starting to fail... badly. Or at least I am in my head.
It just feels like I can never get my head above water. Nothing I do seems to make a difference in my life. I went to college to get a better job and I am still working retail, making barely enough to cover my gas and food. I can't even make rent with how crappy my hours are.
I know people out there have it worse then I do, but it seems like I never get a head. I'm always the one of my friends who has a goal is always reaching for it while those around me just have great things fall into their laps. A friend of mine moved out of state and he landed a job within three weeks of moving and can now afford his own place to live while I had to take out a credit card just to fix my car! Another friend is getting a promotion and buying her first house and she is three years younger then me and I'm turning 27 this year!
With law school, it's like a show off of all the people who are doing far better then I am. There is a woman who is going to law school after working as a paralegal for years and her husband is paying her tuition so she doesn't have to work or take out loans. There is a girl in class who is 21 for god sakes and she has a better job then me and has bought her own car!
I'm 27, never bought a car of my own that wasn't a tow yard rescue, never had a job that paid a living wage, never even lived on my own. It's like life has left me in the gutter to drown and I'm too stupid to realize!
Everyone around me seems like their lives are taking off while I'm just treading water to keep from drowning. I have had friends or at least people I thought were my friends put barely any effort into their lives and suddenly everything falls into place. I push and push and push and it feels like the world just shoves me down and gives me everyone else's sloppy seconds.
The bottom line is, I need help and I need hope and no one seems to want to give it. My fiancé can't, his life is no better then mine these days and my family can't as they are barely making it themselves. I am alone and drowning in this life and no one wants or cares to try to save me.
I don't just have depression. I have a depression that never wants to go away once it begins. I lose the will to do anything, even shower and I am a neat freak. I've tried medications, but they don't seem to help like it says they will. I always feel like I'm walking though a haze, a fog that just sits there and I can never seem to walk out of. Once I'm off the meds, the fog goes away but the depression and pain comes back with a vengeance.
People look at me and never seem to understand how I can say I have depression and still function. I have always been able to place a mask over my face that hides all that ails me. Most people don't even realize how bad I feel on the inside because on the outside I make it seem like I am fantastic.
The sad truth is, I'm not. I am miserable. Because of my depression, it never feels like my life is getting any better. Sure, I've got my B.A but I still don't have a job that lets me support myself. I have a car, but the poor thing is 17 years old and nearing 300k in mileage. I've gotten into law school, but because of the depression, I have no will to study and I am starting to fail... badly. Or at least I am in my head.
It just feels like I can never get my head above water. Nothing I do seems to make a difference in my life. I went to college to get a better job and I am still working retail, making barely enough to cover my gas and food. I can't even make rent with how crappy my hours are.
I know people out there have it worse then I do, but it seems like I never get a head. I'm always the one of my friends who has a goal is always reaching for it while those around me just have great things fall into their laps. A friend of mine moved out of state and he landed a job within three weeks of moving and can now afford his own place to live while I had to take out a credit card just to fix my car! Another friend is getting a promotion and buying her first house and she is three years younger then me and I'm turning 27 this year!
With law school, it's like a show off of all the people who are doing far better then I am. There is a woman who is going to law school after working as a paralegal for years and her husband is paying her tuition so she doesn't have to work or take out loans. There is a girl in class who is 21 for god sakes and she has a better job then me and has bought her own car!
I'm 27, never bought a car of my own that wasn't a tow yard rescue, never had a job that paid a living wage, never even lived on my own. It's like life has left me in the gutter to drown and I'm too stupid to realize!
Everyone around me seems like their lives are taking off while I'm just treading water to keep from drowning. I have had friends or at least people I thought were my friends put barely any effort into their lives and suddenly everything falls into place. I push and push and push and it feels like the world just shoves me down and gives me everyone else's sloppy seconds.
The bottom line is, I need help and I need hope and no one seems to want to give it. My fiancé can't, his life is no better then mine these days and my family can't as they are barely making it themselves. I am alone and drowning in this life and no one wants or cares to try to save me.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I am...tired
I can't explain it any other way. I am tired. I can feel everything I believed in fading. I look around me and I see everyone else's lives going places while mine seems to be lingering and going to pot.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.
I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.
I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.
It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best.
When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her.
It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification.
The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do.
It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices.
The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman.
School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.
I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.
It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore. Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.
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