I don't post often, not like I use to at least. A lot of that has to do with the fact I am in Law School and don't have much in the way of time to do as such. Some of it also has to do with the fact that I suffer depression and lately it's been getting worse.
I don't just have depression. I have a depression that never wants to go away once it begins. I lose the will to do anything, even shower and I am a neat freak. I've tried medications, but they don't seem to help like it says they will. I always feel like I'm walking though a haze, a fog that just sits there and I can never seem to walk out of. Once I'm off the meds, the fog goes away but the depression and pain comes back with a vengeance.
People look at me and never seem to understand how I can say I have depression and still function. I have always been able to place a mask over my face that hides all that ails me. Most people don't even realize how bad I feel on the inside because on the outside I make it seem like I am fantastic.
The sad truth is, I'm not. I am miserable. Because of my depression, it never feels like my life is getting any better. Sure, I've got my B.A but I still don't have a job that lets me support myself. I have a car, but the poor thing is 17 years old and nearing 300k in mileage. I've gotten into law school, but because of the depression, I have no will to study and I am starting to fail... badly. Or at least I am in my head.
It just feels like I can never get my head above water. Nothing I do seems to make a difference in my life. I went to college to get a better job and I am still working retail, making barely enough to cover my gas and food. I can't even make rent with how crappy my hours are.
I know people out there have it worse then I do, but it seems like I never get a head. I'm always the one of my friends who has a goal is always reaching for it while those around me just have great things fall into their laps. A friend of mine moved out of state and he landed a job within three weeks of moving and can now afford his own place to live while I had to take out a credit card just to fix my car! Another friend is getting a promotion and buying her first house and she is three years younger then me and I'm turning 27 this year!
With law school, it's like a show off of all the people who are doing far better then I am. There is a woman who is going to law school after working as a paralegal for years and her husband is paying her tuition so she doesn't have to work or take out loans. There is a girl in class who is 21 for god sakes and she has a better job then me and has bought her own car!
I'm 27, never bought a car of my own that wasn't a tow yard rescue, never had a job that paid a living wage, never even lived on my own. It's like life has left me in the gutter to drown and I'm too stupid to realize!
Everyone around me seems like their lives are taking off while I'm just treading water to keep from drowning. I have had friends or at least people I thought were my friends put barely any effort into their lives and suddenly everything falls into place. I push and push and push and it feels like the world just shoves me down and gives me everyone else's sloppy seconds.
The bottom line is, I need help and I need hope and no one seems to want to give it. My fiancé can't, his life is no better then mine these days and my family can't as they are barely making it themselves. I am alone and drowning in this life and no one wants or cares to try to save me.
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Monday, January 27, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Depressed
It's hard to see others succeed when you work so hard and see such little result for all the effort. I sit and watch those around me do very well and yet my life seems to sit stagnant and without change. I have struggled for so long in life and fought tooth and nail for all I have and yet all around me I see people who work half as hard and they get all they want in life and then some.
People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?
I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.
I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.
Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.
Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.
The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.
Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.
Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.
People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?
I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.
I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.
Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.
Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.
The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.
Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.
Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.
When you grow up like this photo above, always wondering if you have enough to cover everything necessary while struggling so hard for the basics to live, it hurts to have to see the photos below week after week after week.
The church does nothing to help the least of it's members with out requiring something in exchange, even if it interferes with their current job. The church doesn't actually help the member in need to find a better job through networking, they just set up a standard job hunting website like everyone else.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A piece of myself
A piece of myself.
When I got married, I had no idea what sex really was. Sure, I had read the romance novels. I knew it was gonna hurt to truly become a "woman". What I didn't expect was to find myself wanting more from the sexual side of my marriage.
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Need to Vent
I know people generally use their blogs to rant and vent and I try to avoid this as much as possible. I use this blog mostly to talk about my life and the exploration there in.
That being said, I do occasionally feel the need to vent and rant and make my feelings known. As I live in an interesting world. Ranting to the people who have caused the issue would only make the issues worse. Especially when the rant and anger feelings are directed towards my boyfriend's roommates and their childish fear and paranoia. The boyfriend and I finally got a date for once where we didn't have his roomies tagging along or inviting themselves. This was blown to kingdom come while we were watching Prometheus in theater, an awesome movie by the by, when one of the roomies decided to call and whine at him because he forgot to lock a bolt in the door!
This angered me because they know perfectly well, if someone wanted to rob the house, a single bolt isn't going to stop them! These two LITTLE CHILDISH BOYS lock the house up like a freaking prison all day long. They get pissy if the door is unlocked for longer then it takes to walk into the house. They throw these freaked out temper tantrums when the BF or I cook and we open the door and sliding glass door to let things cool out naturally while we cook rather then raise the electric bill by using the AC. One of them even had the gall to lock the house up with the BF and I sitting in the rooms with said doors so we could watch them! He comes out every two hours! I swear! Just to unlock the front door, check the locks on the security door and re-lock the front door! He even takes the stick out of the sliding glass door to open and re-lock the sliding glass door!!!!!! The level of angry I have reached with this is impossible to describe!
Alright, venting done. Going to do something that makes me happy whilst I growl at the little boys my manly adult boyfriend is stuck with for roomies and sadly for friends.
That being said, I do occasionally feel the need to vent and rant and make my feelings known. As I live in an interesting world. Ranting to the people who have caused the issue would only make the issues worse. Especially when the rant and anger feelings are directed towards my boyfriend's roommates and their childish fear and paranoia. The boyfriend and I finally got a date for once where we didn't have his roomies tagging along or inviting themselves. This was blown to kingdom come while we were watching Prometheus in theater, an awesome movie by the by, when one of the roomies decided to call and whine at him because he forgot to lock a bolt in the door!
This angered me because they know perfectly well, if someone wanted to rob the house, a single bolt isn't going to stop them! These two LITTLE CHILDISH BOYS lock the house up like a freaking prison all day long. They get pissy if the door is unlocked for longer then it takes to walk into the house. They throw these freaked out temper tantrums when the BF or I cook and we open the door and sliding glass door to let things cool out naturally while we cook rather then raise the electric bill by using the AC. One of them even had the gall to lock the house up with the BF and I sitting in the rooms with said doors so we could watch them! He comes out every two hours! I swear! Just to unlock the front door, check the locks on the security door and re-lock the front door! He even takes the stick out of the sliding glass door to open and re-lock the sliding glass door!!!!!! The level of angry I have reached with this is impossible to describe!
Alright, venting done. Going to do something that makes me happy whilst I growl at the little boys my manly adult boyfriend is stuck with for roomies and sadly for friends.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Taking a deep breath...
I finally have the room to take a deep breath. For once in my life things seem calm outside of my job.
The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.
I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...
The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.
I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Anger...
I think I'm beginning to feel a certain amount of hatred for my own congregation... It's hard to explain but given the ward/branch I belong in has taken all the words I have said about my ex-roommates and decided that my words aren't worth any looking into and haven't bothered to even try to see if what I had to say about them and their life style is true or not. No, they just take what that "group" has to say at face value and ignore the one person who has said something that no longer lives with them. I think seeing them at church and knowing the church is still supporting them despite the fact they are outright using the church for support of the economic means and not bothering to show up unless there is free food involved and them not suffering any repercussions has put a seed of anger and hatred in my heart. I may need to step back and walk away for a bit to let things cool down in my heart and mind. I may even walk away from a couple of things I am involved in as well within the church so that I may not have much contact with them either....
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The weekend
Things were...interesting this weekend. I offered to watch the BF's nephews, believing it was going to be only for the after noon, imagine my surprise when I find out his sis and her husband were going to be gone all night and I would have the kiddos that long >.< Now, don't take this wrong, if she had asked, I would have said yes, but it did tick me off that she assumed I would be willing. I did wind up watching the kiddos all night and thankfully the BF came over to his mum's after work. Like a respectful man, he slept on the couch, holding guard, while I slept in the spare room and the kiddos slept in their grandma's bed. I did enjoy it and I was glad the BF called his sis and made it clear she has to ask from now on if I'll watch the kiddos over night and not just assume I will.
I am looking forward to X-mas this year. This will be the first year where I think I'll actually feel welcome in a house since before my grandma died. The last few years, each Christmas, no matter where I go or who I am with, even if it's my own family, I've felt like an outsider. I hope to eventually have a holiday where I don't feel like I'm just along for the ride.
I am looking forward to X-mas this year. This will be the first year where I think I'll actually feel welcome in a house since before my grandma died. The last few years, each Christmas, no matter where I go or who I am with, even if it's my own family, I've felt like an outsider. I hope to eventually have a holiday where I don't feel like I'm just along for the ride.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Presentation
So I gave my presentation today... I hated every second of. Even though the paper was a hit. I was extremely disturbed by my research and so was most of my class. There is something soul killing about researching Child Trafficking around the world. Something very soul stealing indeed. I have found myself more then once wanting to curl up and cry from what I've read, and the photos I've seen. There are things that I have seen in just a short amount of time that I cannot un-see no matter how much I wish I could. I knew child trafficking was bad, but I never realized just how horrific it really was. It isn't just about sex. Given a few of the news articles that I read, children are being mutilated for religious reasons as well and I think that was only second in horrifying to finding out that little innocent baby girls are being brutalized because of a myth that the rape of a virgin can cure AIDs!
To my readers, please please help to fight this horrific tragedy! These innocent little children deserve a chance at a happy childhood!
Sadly this work has affected my sleep. When I close my eyes I see those sad little faces and it makes me want to cry even more. I have 3 finals on Thursday and I need the sleep and yet I can't seem to get it. This is going to be a long couple of days...
To my readers, please please help to fight this horrific tragedy! These innocent little children deserve a chance at a happy childhood!
Sadly this work has affected my sleep. When I close my eyes I see those sad little faces and it makes me want to cry even more. I have 3 finals on Thursday and I need the sleep and yet I can't seem to get it. This is going to be a long couple of days...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Bleh
The last few days have been Bleh to say the least. Between killing the battery of my car to the point I had to replace it, finding out I did indeed have an oil leak still, and finding out my car needed a 400 dollar repair or my alignment was toast, this week has just plain SUCKED. The only good thing has been my BF loved his hat for his bday and I'm trying to knit my first sweater. THat's about it really. It doesn't help I've had a couple of friends decide to fuck their lives up royally by one, getting back with an EX and the other deciding not to dump her stupid alcoholic, pill popping, dead end job having BF's butt >.< Why do I seem to be the only person with a brain around my friends?!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
It's funny
I know I haven't written about my feelings in a while, but it seems things are coming to a head again... I find it funny that the friends I've made for games on Facebook are better friends then the ones I have in real life at times. My boy had to cancel on me twice in one day and it left me pretty depressed and that led me to notice that my "real life friends" aren't even friends anymore, the only time they seem to communicate with me is when they want something for their Facebook games... I mean really that's it. They never text or call, or even IM me when they see me on. A supposed "friend" only wants to hang out when he wants something I'm not willing to give and it's been steadily ticking me off to no end. I'm sorta projecting on the poor man and it made me vent to a friend the wrong words and feelings. I mean the insecure part of me does feel that maybe he's not as into me as I thought he was, but all he did was get real busy this week... He did promise that next Sat would be our day. Have I let my emotions get far too involved already? Could he just be using me to get a lot of attention? Am I reading too far into all this?
This is what goes round and round in my head when he doesn't respond to my texts or rushes off of our phone calls and says he'll text me later or call back but doesn't and I have to get his attention again... I did tell him I wanted to take this super slow, but it seems my subconscious is wanting to rush things and I'm not sure what to do about it. I fear talking to him to about these things because I don't want to drive him away.
But back to the friends. It really sucks that when I was at MJC, they always wanted to talk and do things, but then again most of them don't have cars and I tended to play chauffeur just to get their attention... I think that shows just what they thought of me if now that I'm not there to do those things, they don't talk to me anymore... I'm thinking I need to just delete them and get it over with. I mean it's not like they notice what I post anyway. It's the craziest thing that my getting dumped by my ex showed me just who my real friends are. And sadly that's not many. It seems the rumors a certain ex-friend are now spreading have set root and people are more apt to believe her then to look at the person they have been friends with for years. It also goes to show how intelligent they really are. People who will believe rumors over the person they know really don't have intelligence no matter what their grades, articulation, and conversational abilities are and that truly saddens me because it means the future of this nation (The US) and the world in general is pretty much screwed royally due to this being the people who are going to run it in a few years.
This is what goes round and round in my head when he doesn't respond to my texts or rushes off of our phone calls and says he'll text me later or call back but doesn't and I have to get his attention again... I did tell him I wanted to take this super slow, but it seems my subconscious is wanting to rush things and I'm not sure what to do about it. I fear talking to him to about these things because I don't want to drive him away.
But back to the friends. It really sucks that when I was at MJC, they always wanted to talk and do things, but then again most of them don't have cars and I tended to play chauffeur just to get their attention... I think that shows just what they thought of me if now that I'm not there to do those things, they don't talk to me anymore... I'm thinking I need to just delete them and get it over with. I mean it's not like they notice what I post anyway. It's the craziest thing that my getting dumped by my ex showed me just who my real friends are. And sadly that's not many. It seems the rumors a certain ex-friend are now spreading have set root and people are more apt to believe her then to look at the person they have been friends with for years. It also goes to show how intelligent they really are. People who will believe rumors over the person they know really don't have intelligence no matter what their grades, articulation, and conversational abilities are and that truly saddens me because it means the future of this nation (The US) and the world in general is pretty much screwed royally due to this being the people who are going to run it in a few years.
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