The truth

I am a depressed person and I am sick of fucking always hearing that I just need therapy or to be fucking happy or reminded that I am in a mood. No one wants to help for real. The only help ever offered is to pass me onto a doctor or to ask a doctor to stuff me with meds. 

No one wants to help not really. Not even those who say they love me. It's about doing the bare minimum needed in order to alleviate guilt. 

I sit here struggling just to survive while I watch all my friends swim in success... I spend hours looking for a new job that will pay a livable salary and yet I have friends who have jobs and cushy living situations just fall into their laps. 

My health is spiraling downward while everyone else seems to be getting all they want with so very little effort. Someone I call a friend has a cushy job they do not appreciate.

The lack of appreciation for what they have is what bothers me the most. The constant complaining of how they are still lacking in some way while simultaneously posting about how they are out and about doing things like getting tattoos and going to concerts and such.

I always make an attempt to thankful for what I have, even though my anxiety tells me it's not enough to keep me going. I think that's where the anger comes from, the blatant disregard for what they already have. The same friend who got the windfall, had a nearly brand new car paid off free and clear and she still went out and bought a 20k truck because her new fuck toy wanted to have a truck for them to go have fun in. Now she complains that she wants to get a new stereo in both cars, a new alarm, AND Bluetooth for both cars.

Bottom line is I wish she would just step back and be happy with what she has. She has a house, a car, a dog, a life, and her bills are guaranteed to be paid for god knows how long. I just wish people who can't be thankful could live where things are actually shitty.

Feminist views, Sodom and Gomorrah

http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/05/claiming-our-heroines-the-untold-story-of-lots-wife/


http://rationalfaiths.com/old-testament-prohibit-homosexuality/

Depressed

It's hard to see others succeed when you work so hard and see such little result for all the effort. I sit and watch those around me do very well and yet my life seems to sit stagnant and without change. I have struggled for so long in life and fought tooth and nail for all I have and yet all around me I see people who work half as hard and they get all they want in life and then some.

People constantly say life isn't fair, but how is it that hard work and effort can be so over looked while, bare minimum gets rewarded with grander and praise?

I have asked this of myself many times when I see those around me being rewarded greatly for little to no work and simply out of sympathy.

I have even attempted to count my blessings so to speak and it always makes me feel worse then when it all began.

Counting ones blessings only works if one has great blessings to count. Oh sure, there are the standard ones, living, breathing, having a home and a car. But those blessings are squashed when the person counting realizes that they only have a home to live in because someone is willing to rent a room to them and that the car they are supposedly blessed to have constantly needs work or has a leak that has to be watched. Life isn't worth living if one always has to solve problem after problem and wonder constantly when the rug is going to pulled out from under them.

Being told to count ones blessings by someone who has blessings in life they didn't have to work for is a slap in the face. It's like rubbing salt into a wound that can never ever close.


The LDS church is always out to convert the poor but appears to do very little to really lift the poor up. Having people who have money constantly remind others that they need to look and act a certain way to fit in doesn't help solve the problem. If a church is going to convert the poor and then expect them to magically be able to dress and act like them without help, then they are in the wrong business.

Growing up poor in the church, especially in ones teens is a cruel thing. You see the teens around you in nice clothes, aways able to have the nice things, parents buying them cars, parents getting them jobs and letting them live with them through college rent free. This creates a selfish culture that doesn't help the poorer members want to stay. When a poor child grows up watching the "better" children get all the things that they want with very little nay-say, it creates a feeling of being something "less" and that feeling gets further reenforced when the "Better" children grow and get everything for free as well.

Being a poor young adult in the church isn't any better. It's a stark reminder of how "less" a poor convert is when the "better" born in members talk about how cool it is they get to live at home while going to college and always talking about trips while the "Lesser" poor member has to work through college and pay all their own bills and constantly get left out because of such duties. The "better" members have connected parents who can get them the good jobs easily and this leaves the "lesser" poor members to flounder and be excluded.

When you grow up like this photo above, always wondering if you have enough to cover everything necessary while struggling so hard for the basics to live, it hurts to have to see the photos below week after week after week. 

The church does nothing to help the least of it's members with out requiring something in exchange, even if it interferes with their current job. The church doesn't actually help the member in need to find a better job through networking, they just set up a standard job hunting website like everyone else.

A Confession

A confession
 So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

 I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

 I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

 I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse. People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

 People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

 Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

 NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

 I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

A confession

So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.

People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

It's funny

I know I haven't written about my feelings in a while, but it seems things are coming to a head again... I find it funny that the friends I've made for games on Facebook are better friends then the ones I have in real life at times. My boy had to cancel on me twice in one day and it left me pretty depressed and that led me to notice that my "real life friends" aren't even friends anymore, the only time they seem to communicate with me is when they want something for their Facebook games... I mean really that's it. They never text or call, or even IM me when they see me on. A supposed "friend" only wants to hang out when he wants something I'm not willing to give and it's been steadily ticking me off to no end. I'm sorta projecting on the poor man and it made me vent to a friend the wrong words and feelings. I mean the insecure part of me does feel that maybe he's not as into me as I thought he was, but all he did was get real busy this week... He did promise that next Sat would be our day. Have I let my emotions get far too involved already? Could he just be using me to get a lot of attention? Am I reading too far into all this?

This is what goes round and round in my head when he doesn't respond to my texts or rushes off of our phone calls and says he'll text me later or call back but doesn't and I have to get his attention again... I did tell him I wanted to take this super slow, but it seems my subconscious is wanting to rush things and I'm not sure what to do about it. I fear talking to him to about these things because I don't want to drive him away.

But back to the friends. It really sucks that when I was at MJC, they always wanted to talk and do things, but then again most of them don't have cars and I tended to play chauffeur just to get their attention... I think that shows just what they thought of me if now that I'm not there to do those things, they don't talk to me anymore... I'm thinking I need to just delete them and get it over with. I mean it's not like they notice what I post anyway. It's the craziest thing that my getting dumped by my ex showed me just who my real friends are. And sadly that's not many. It seems the rumors a certain ex-friend are now spreading have set root and people are more apt to believe her then to look at the person they have been friends with for years. It also goes to show how intelligent they really are. People who will believe rumors over the person they know really don't have intelligence no matter what their grades, articulation, and conversational abilities are and that truly saddens me because it means the future of this nation (The US) and the world in general is pretty much screwed royally due to this being the people who are going to run it in a few years.

Dear Dog

I'm writing this post as a letter to Dog the Bounty Hunter since I just finished his book.


Dear Dog,

Reading your book, Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given had to be one of the best experiences I've had while reading. I had a lot reflection of my own life as I read your words. How you kept talking of trying to over come and learn from your mistakes and yet people were always there to remind you of them. That is something I know all to well in my own life. Granted I never made mistakes that landed me in jail, but I did make ones that lead me down a much harder road then I should have had to travel and still travel at the time I am writing this. Towards the end of the book really was when I started to see things that made me really think. I grew up in a family that was more then just broken, it was shattered.

My grandmother made the mistake of marrying the man that got her pregnant at 18. She had two more children with him while putting up with his abuse. After a few years she finally got rid of him. She spent the next years working between 2 and 3 jobs to support my mom, aunt, and uncle while they grew up. My mom and her siblings threw it back in her face by all getting hooked on drugs or booze or both. Each one of her children destroyed their lives in one way or another. My aunt was a drop out on all sorts of drugs. My mom as 18 and pregnant with me while addicted to drugs. And my uncle, well he graduated as far as I know but he was an alcoholic and on drugs as well.


My mom had me and after a series of men had 3 more children by the time I was 9. She had already been in jail for a felony by the time I was 5. She didn't really take the greatest care of us. As my therapist has said, she did the bare minimum for us in every way, even food wise. At 8 my grandmother got a hold of me and made sure I stayed on the right path, but the years of mental abuse from my mom and her many boyfriends, along with the neglect and mental abuse she gave had left it's toll. At the age of 9, I had a serious case of PTSD. I started to heal up over the next few years until my mom popped back into my life as though the last 4 years had never happened and she was the world's greatest mom. This brought it all back with a speed so fast my head nearly came off. Needless to say at 12 I was in for a long rough road. I spent the next 3 years struggling to return to some bit of normalcy. I never partied, never drank. I was a good girl in always but school work. Still managed to pass classes, but not with the grades I could have. Just shy of my 15th B-day I was sexually assaulted. This set me back yet again. It was 2 years before I could really handle anything with guys. I made the mistake of marry the first man to make me feel special, wanted, and loved. I followed in the family footsteps so to speak in retrospect.


3 years of an abusive marriage in where no blows were ever physically landed, but many were mentally, emotionally, and sexually is enough to break any woman, but some how like always I survived. Granted he did have an affair and did divorce me, but I see it as my escape and chance to grow, heal, and become who I've always wanted to be. I met my ex-boyfriend through a mutual friend and while he never abused me. We didn't ever have the normal fights or mile stones a relationship had. 2 years later, it was over and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. In the course of this 5 year struggle I did achieve one great thing. I became the first person in my family to attend and graduate college. Though only with an AA as I am now moving on for my BA so I can get my JD.

That's where I am now. Picking up the pieces of my life and trying to move on. I've got myself in therapy so I can learn to leave all this pain behind. That's what your book has helped me to see, just how far my holding on to my past had held me back. I've held onto every scar and hurt like a large blanket around my shoulders. Holding on to this pain has slowed down my education and following my dreams. I'm working on letting go and moving on. Your book has helped me see that and has helped me have the courage to really work on and my own insecurities.

I wanted to say thank you for such an inspiring book and glance into your life and your family. I hope one day to give you this letter and let you read just how much you have changed one person's life without ever having met them. I look forward to the day that I may get the chance to give you this letter and hopefully it will be when I have healed and gotten far in my life so that I can stand tall and with pride in front of you. You are a hero to me and so is Beth for surpassing her struggles as well. I send you well wishes and good thoughts for your who lives and that of your family.

With all the love of a sister,

Serin kNight