A confession
So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse. People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
Showing posts with label closer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label closer. Show all posts
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Taking a deep breath...
I finally have the room to take a deep breath. For once in my life things seem calm outside of my job.
The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.
I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...
The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.
I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dear Dog
I'm writing this post as a letter to Dog the Bounty Hunter since I just finished his book.
Dear Dog,
Reading your book, Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given had to be one of the best experiences I've had while reading. I had a lot reflection of my own life as I read your words. How you kept talking of trying to over come and learn from your mistakes and yet people were always there to remind you of them. That is something I know all to well in my own life. Granted I never made mistakes that landed me in jail, but I did make ones that lead me down a much harder road then I should have had to travel and still travel at the time I am writing this. Towards the end of the book really was when I started to see things that made me really think. I grew up in a family that was more then just broken, it was shattered.
My grandmother made the mistake of marrying the man that got her pregnant at 18. She had two more children with him while putting up with his abuse. After a few years she finally got rid of him. She spent the next years working between 2 and 3 jobs to support my mom, aunt, and uncle while they grew up. My mom and her siblings threw it back in her face by all getting hooked on drugs or booze or both. Each one of her children destroyed their lives in one way or another. My aunt was a drop out on all sorts of drugs. My mom as 18 and pregnant with me while addicted to drugs. And my uncle, well he graduated as far as I know but he was an alcoholic and on drugs as well.
My mom had me and after a series of men had 3 more children by the time I was 9. She had already been in jail for a felony by the time I was 5. She didn't really take the greatest care of us. As my therapist has said, she did the bare minimum for us in every way, even food wise. At 8 my grandmother got a hold of me and made sure I stayed on the right path, but the years of mental abuse from my mom and her many boyfriends, along with the neglect and mental abuse she gave had left it's toll. At the age of 9, I had a serious case of PTSD. I started to heal up over the next few years until my mom popped back into my life as though the last 4 years had never happened and she was the world's greatest mom. This brought it all back with a speed so fast my head nearly came off. Needless to say at 12 I was in for a long rough road. I spent the next 3 years struggling to return to some bit of normalcy. I never partied, never drank. I was a good girl in always but school work. Still managed to pass classes, but not with the grades I could have. Just shy of my 15th B-day I was sexually assaulted. This set me back yet again. It was 2 years before I could really handle anything with guys. I made the mistake of marry the first man to make me feel special, wanted, and loved. I followed in the family footsteps so to speak in retrospect.
3 years of an abusive marriage in where no blows were ever physically landed, but many were mentally, emotionally, and sexually is enough to break any woman, but some how like always I survived. Granted he did have an affair and did divorce me, but I see it as my escape and chance to grow, heal, and become who I've always wanted to be. I met my ex-boyfriend through a mutual friend and while he never abused me. We didn't ever have the normal fights or mile stones a relationship had. 2 years later, it was over and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. In the course of this 5 year struggle I did achieve one great thing. I became the first person in my family to attend and graduate college. Though only with an AA as I am now moving on for my BA so I can get my JD.
That's where I am now. Picking up the pieces of my life and trying to move on. I've got myself in therapy so I can learn to leave all this pain behind. That's what your book has helped me to see, just how far my holding on to my past had held me back. I've held onto every scar and hurt like a large blanket around my shoulders. Holding on to this pain has slowed down my education and following my dreams. I'm working on letting go and moving on. Your book has helped me see that and has helped me have the courage to really work on and my own insecurities.
I wanted to say thank you for such an inspiring book and glance into your life and your family. I hope one day to give you this letter and let you read just how much you have changed one person's life without ever having met them. I look forward to the day that I may get the chance to give you this letter and hopefully it will be when I have healed and gotten far in my life so that I can stand tall and with pride in front of you. You are a hero to me and so is Beth for surpassing her struggles as well. I send you well wishes and good thoughts for your who lives and that of your family.
With all the love of a sister,
Serin kNight
Dear Dog,
Reading your book, Where Mercy is Shown, Mercy is Given had to be one of the best experiences I've had while reading. I had a lot reflection of my own life as I read your words. How you kept talking of trying to over come and learn from your mistakes and yet people were always there to remind you of them. That is something I know all to well in my own life. Granted I never made mistakes that landed me in jail, but I did make ones that lead me down a much harder road then I should have had to travel and still travel at the time I am writing this. Towards the end of the book really was when I started to see things that made me really think. I grew up in a family that was more then just broken, it was shattered.
My grandmother made the mistake of marrying the man that got her pregnant at 18. She had two more children with him while putting up with his abuse. After a few years she finally got rid of him. She spent the next years working between 2 and 3 jobs to support my mom, aunt, and uncle while they grew up. My mom and her siblings threw it back in her face by all getting hooked on drugs or booze or both. Each one of her children destroyed their lives in one way or another. My aunt was a drop out on all sorts of drugs. My mom as 18 and pregnant with me while addicted to drugs. And my uncle, well he graduated as far as I know but he was an alcoholic and on drugs as well.
My mom had me and after a series of men had 3 more children by the time I was 9. She had already been in jail for a felony by the time I was 5. She didn't really take the greatest care of us. As my therapist has said, she did the bare minimum for us in every way, even food wise. At 8 my grandmother got a hold of me and made sure I stayed on the right path, but the years of mental abuse from my mom and her many boyfriends, along with the neglect and mental abuse she gave had left it's toll. At the age of 9, I had a serious case of PTSD. I started to heal up over the next few years until my mom popped back into my life as though the last 4 years had never happened and she was the world's greatest mom. This brought it all back with a speed so fast my head nearly came off. Needless to say at 12 I was in for a long rough road. I spent the next 3 years struggling to return to some bit of normalcy. I never partied, never drank. I was a good girl in always but school work. Still managed to pass classes, but not with the grades I could have. Just shy of my 15th B-day I was sexually assaulted. This set me back yet again. It was 2 years before I could really handle anything with guys. I made the mistake of marry the first man to make me feel special, wanted, and loved. I followed in the family footsteps so to speak in retrospect.
3 years of an abusive marriage in where no blows were ever physically landed, but many were mentally, emotionally, and sexually is enough to break any woman, but some how like always I survived. Granted he did have an affair and did divorce me, but I see it as my escape and chance to grow, heal, and become who I've always wanted to be. I met my ex-boyfriend through a mutual friend and while he never abused me. We didn't ever have the normal fights or mile stones a relationship had. 2 years later, it was over and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. In the course of this 5 year struggle I did achieve one great thing. I became the first person in my family to attend and graduate college. Though only with an AA as I am now moving on for my BA so I can get my JD.
That's where I am now. Picking up the pieces of my life and trying to move on. I've got myself in therapy so I can learn to leave all this pain behind. That's what your book has helped me to see, just how far my holding on to my past had held me back. I've held onto every scar and hurt like a large blanket around my shoulders. Holding on to this pain has slowed down my education and following my dreams. I'm working on letting go and moving on. Your book has helped me see that and has helped me have the courage to really work on and my own insecurities.
I wanted to say thank you for such an inspiring book and glance into your life and your family. I hope one day to give you this letter and let you read just how much you have changed one person's life without ever having met them. I look forward to the day that I may get the chance to give you this letter and hopefully it will be when I have healed and gotten far in my life so that I can stand tall and with pride in front of you. You are a hero to me and so is Beth for surpassing her struggles as well. I send you well wishes and good thoughts for your who lives and that of your family.
With all the love of a sister,
Serin kNight
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