Sad day...

So today is a sad day for me. Not for a personal reason, but because I realized how sad many people I consider to be my friends really are. A friend of mine got married to a guy after dating him for 5 months. They were only married for a couple of years before she moved back home and started divorce proceedings. To cap it off, she is already dating another guy, her divorce isn't final I might add, saying this one is the love of her life and how happy they are and how he is the greatest thing to ever happen to her... This saddens me because it's a glaring example of how people my age rush into marriage, and when things get bumpy, rather than fix things or work on them, they just throw it away and run back home to mummy and daddy. They go from claiming to have the perfect marriage to trying to smear campaign each other into humiliation and it greatly depresses me because they chose to leap into a marriage and yet don't have the maturity to fight for it when real life proves to be difficult to make it as adults with out the parents to pay for everything or give them money when ever they ask.

This particular girl has already moved back home, into her old room, gotten mummy and daddy to buy all new stuff for her to decorate with and has begun to "Flaunt" her new life for all to see. She acts as though it all never happened and that her life is once again perfect and untouched. She has gotten her parents to do more now for her then before she had been married and it's just a sad realization that marriage is dying because people have an overly romanticized view of what marriage is going to be like.

Marriage is hard work, no matter how strong you think your relationship is, once living together, paying bills and no longer having much in the way of private time exists, things become hard work. You have to work a lot to make things smooth and always be willing to discuss things and work them out.

They have a saying to never go to bed angry, but in reality, going to bed upset can help things come morning. Once both people have slept and have had a chance to calm down, it's easier to talk things out with out having ruffled and puffed out feathers to pick at.

Christmas holidays....

Christmas was a blast! I got awesome things! I got this beautiful watch and sweater from the BFs mom, a wonderful skein of yarn from his sister and bro in law, a great dvd from the BF, and a book from his mum again! It was great! I may have only gotten a few gifts but I loved them all and the thought that was put into them. I did the same, only I got everyone a single gift. Except the BF and his nephews. I got the boys a gift to share and the BF's present had little goodies in it. In his body pillow, there was chocolate and a dvd for him to watch lol. Over all Christmas was great! Hope all my readers had a great one as well.

Just a note, I would really love to hear from the people who have read my blog thus far. It would really mean a lot to me if someone were to tell me what they thought of my words as they come out.

Toodles!

Feeling Stupid

I feel like an idiot. I've been letting fears get in the way of my being happy. I've let one person's words worm their way into my head and heart and now I'm pay ing for it in the worst ways possible

I said it...

Tonight when the BF left his mum's house where I have spent the last few days for Thanksgiving, I said those three words. Words I thought I wouldn't ever be able to feel, let alone say. I cried a bit at the piece of trust I've given him, he cried out of relief that I did give it to him. I cannot believe I just handed another man a loaded gun to my heart and I am trusting that he won't use it...

Changes...

My relationship took a turn last night. Not sure if it's for good or bad though. Last night he said those three words, the words that terrify me to death and back again. He didn't expect to hear the words back, and he let me cry and make it clear I couldn't say those words yet. To be honest, I do care for him, deeply. But I can't bare to think that I may love him, nor do I think I can ever say the words... My lack of trust is terrible and it's starting to get better, but not at a speed I think it should be. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him already and that alone has kept me up all night as I still feel that he is going to eventually decide the waiting for physical intimacy isn't worth it and that I am not worth it. I've told him such and he tells me every time that it's not going to happen but I can't help but wonder... During our talking last night he confessed he did try to date someone else, for a one night stand and it didn't even work. He couldn't even kiss the woman. He says I've ruined him for other women and that sort of makes me feel really really good about myself.

The sad thing is, I still can't kiss him like he does me. Kissing is a very erotic thing for me, it's a massive turn on and when I start to respond with even the slightest amount of intensity, I freak out and pull away. I know it saddens him even if he says it doesn't and that he has plenty of patience to wait for me. But it hurts my heart to know I'm to afraid to open up to him and be who and what he wants me to be. He's happy with me being who I am but he's sad that I can't be at peace with our relationship or at least that's what I've inferred.

Must think more about all this, must read my heart....


As always I would love to hear your thoughts and comments if you would like to leave them ^_^

Falling

It's almost scary that I'm falling again. Only a man could get me this all tied up in knots... It scares the hell outta me. Opening my heart to another is just plain the scariest thing I can think of.

How did this happen?

How did this happen? How did I let it happen? How did you do it? How did you steal my heart in just a few months? How did you sneak into my heart like this? And why does it scare the life out of me that you have? Love isn't suppose to be scary and yet this scares me more then holding a loaded gun. What am I to do now? You ninjaed my heart and you weren't even trying....