I'm done...

I hate Christmas, I really do. There isn't anything happy about a season where people have to pretend to be generous while actually being greedy. Give a 'great' present and next year the recipient will feel compelled to get you a better one. There is no real generosity in Christmas anymore, it's all fake. Even the people who go nuts on facebook with all the memes of "He's the reason for the season" These are the same people who spend the rest of the year only posting silly photos or cats. Nothing real there either. The supposed Christmas mass is nothing more then a farce as well. Going to church on Easter and Christmas isn't going to save one's soul. It's only a way make yourself feel better.

There is no joy left in the holiday. Instead people trudge around, struggling to buy the ever more expensive gifts for spoiled children who can't truly appreciate the things being bought for them since the parents are so readily willing to pull out their credit cards to replace it with the next biggest thing a year later.

The Christmas season is dead. Real and truly dead, now it's all about one upping each other, making money, and shopping for meaningless trivial crap.

Election

No one truly understands

I live everyday in constant pain. Every inch of me hurts from sun up to sun down. People think they can understand but they don't. Sure they have aches and pains but those go away. Mine never does. I'm sick, I have an illness that can never be cured. Yes, it can be treated but the benefits of the meds don't out weigh their negatives. I'd rather live in pain everyday of my life then live in a drugged haze like most doctors would want me to.

But no one likes to hear that I'm ill. It's about their lives and their aches and pains. It's about their desire to pretend that there is nothing wrong with anyone else. No one likes to hear that someone they care about is sick, especially when they don't appear to be ill. Not all illnesses give off an outward symptom. I was born with Fibromyalgia. I will die with it as well. My nerves are fried and can never turn off. People don't want to have to acknowledge that a person who can smile, laugh, pull 32 hour work weeks, and go to school full time, could possible be ill and not receive treatment.

I tried getting treatment. I've had the disease for so long my body can't handle the meds. I was on them, I spent one year on them and most of the time was a zombie. Because of my illness my memory is shot, I have to write a lot of things down most people would be able to remember with one try.

This illness makes me depressed, it comes and it goes and for once I wish someone would truly understand.... but no one truly understands

My level of boredom

This is my level of boredom now that my professors have moved the midterms...again

Insights...

I've been so super busy that I haven't had much in the way of getting to have insights about what's going on around me, but I have to say that with the politically super charged air around me I am glad for the most part that I'm not much involved in the world right now.

I have to say that as a woman, mormon, and conscious person that Romney has to be the worst idea for this country to date! How can this man consider himself a good person with all the lies he spews!? I mean honestly, he has to be the closest thing to letting Ron Paul any where the White House. If that man wins all women's rights will be returned to the 1900s rather then where we have progressed as of today!

New item up for sale

https://www.etsy.com/listing/109598739/limited-edition-sari-silk-dice-bag

Busy busy busy

I have been a very busy little bee. I am now back in school and working as well. School has made it a bit weird since I have class every day of the week. And I'm still pulling 6 hour shifts. Class is at 11 so I have a couple hours before it to get a bit of work but then after class I have to get my shift done and on Mondays and Tuesdays I have a night class that starts at 430 so fun for me >.<

Talk about your early mornings. I get up for work, then class, then back to work again before going home to eat dinner, study and get some knitting done for my new Etsy store. check it out.

Oh boy

It's about time for an update. I'll be writing the tomorrow. I just wanted to pop on and say hi to all my readers out there in blogger world! Miss you all!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/SerinsBlackDesigns

Wewt!!!

Got an Etsy for all the knitting I do! Take a peek!



http://www.etsy.com/shop/SerinsBlackDesigns

Sad day...

So today is a sad day for me. Not for a personal reason, but because I realized how sad many people I consider to be my friends really are. A friend of mine got married to a guy after dating him for 5 months. They were only married for a couple of years before she moved back home and started divorce proceedings. To cap it off, she is already dating another guy, her divorce isn't final I might add, saying this one is the love of her life and how happy they are and how he is the greatest thing to ever happen to her... This saddens me because it's a glaring example of how people my age rush into marriage, and when things get bumpy, rather than fix things or work on them, they just throw it away and run back home to mummy and daddy. They go from claiming to have the perfect marriage to trying to smear campaign each other into humiliation and it greatly depresses me because they chose to leap into a marriage and yet don't have the maturity to fight for it when real life proves to be difficult to make it as adults with out the parents to pay for everything or give them money when ever they ask.

This particular girl has already moved back home, into her old room, gotten mummy and daddy to buy all new stuff for her to decorate with and has begun to "Flaunt" her new life for all to see. She acts as though it all never happened and that her life is once again perfect and untouched. She has gotten her parents to do more now for her then before she had been married and it's just a sad realization that marriage is dying because people have an overly romanticized view of what marriage is going to be like.

Marriage is hard work, no matter how strong you think your relationship is, once living together, paying bills and no longer having much in the way of private time exists, things become hard work. You have to work a lot to make things smooth and always be willing to discuss things and work them out.

They have a saying to never go to bed angry, but in reality, going to bed upset can help things come morning. Once both people have slept and have had a chance to calm down, it's easier to talk things out with out having ruffled and puffed out feathers to pick at.

Need to Vent

I know people generally use their blogs to rant and vent and I try to avoid this as much as possible. I use this blog mostly to talk about my life and the exploration there in.

That being said, I do occasionally feel the need to vent and rant and make my feelings known. As I live in an interesting world. Ranting to the people who have caused the issue would only make the issues worse. Especially when the rant and anger feelings are directed towards my boyfriend's roommates and their childish fear and paranoia. The boyfriend and I finally got a date for once where we didn't have his roomies tagging along or inviting themselves. This was blown to kingdom come while we were watching Prometheus in theater, an awesome movie by the by, when one of the roomies decided to call and whine at him because he forgot to lock a bolt in the door!

This angered me because they know perfectly well, if someone wanted to rob the house, a single bolt isn't going to stop them! These two LITTLE CHILDISH BOYS lock the house up like a freaking prison all day long. They get pissy if the door is unlocked for longer then it takes to walk into the house. They throw these freaked out temper tantrums when the BF or I cook and we open the door and sliding glass door to let things cool out naturally while we cook rather then raise the electric bill by using the AC. One of them even had the gall to lock the house up with the BF and I sitting in the rooms with said doors so we could watch them! He comes out every two hours! I swear! Just to unlock the front door, check the locks on the security door and re-lock the front door! He even takes the stick out of the sliding glass door to open and re-lock the sliding glass door!!!!!! The level of angry I have reached with this is impossible to describe!


Alright, venting done. Going to do something that makes me happy whilst I growl at the little boys my manly adult boyfriend is stuck with for roomies and sadly for friends.

Taking a deep breath...

I finally have the room to take a deep breath. For once in my life things seem calm outside of my job.


The BF is starting school and quickly realizing he has to really focus if he wants to pass a class with only 5 weeks of instructions. He seems to be taking it well. He is excited about getting a chance to do something with his life other then work at Wal-mart and play video games.

I didn't get the car. It had a bad battery and they were trying to get me to use a questionable lender to get the loan for the car. I know that the economy sucks but these people are preying on people who have no choice but to go to them out of sheer desperation to get a car for living and they want to milk you for everything you are worth! It's very much not right and the laws should be far more strict. Doesn't help a particular friend has figured out what's going on and has decided to try to talk me out of it. I have enough issues with spending money and NOT freaking out...

SWEET!!!!

So I got all my grades back

All I have to say is awesome!!! I can't believe I did so well!!!!!! I was so stoked and my BF was so happy he made me a totally awesome diner of top sirloin and veggies that weekend! It was awesome!


My bankruptcy is almost over! Thank goodness! I've got one more court thing to go and I am home free. Though, this is about whether or not I have to pay the filing fee or not. I've got the income requirements and so long as they don't count my school money I should be in the clear for that as well. I'm looking forward to not having to filter calls from people I don't know that's for sure.

On the other plus side I might be getting a new car! I found a place willing to work with me if I can get a couple pieces of paper from the court. THe paper I need is just something that says when my bankruptcy will be discharged and that should be it. I seriously hope I can walk off that lot with a new car. It won't be too new though, it's a 2005 Toyota Prius for about 10 grand. I can make the months payments and so I am hoping I can do this.


Wish me luck!!!

Wow...

This semester at school has been crazy, between the mentoring program blowing up and me not getting enough hours to get a grade I think I should have gotten and the class that I thought would be the easiest turning out to be the hardest, I can't believe I survived.

These are my grades as of now and while I am proud, I wish my last class would drop...I know I passed, but I would feel ten times better if I knew what the grade was. I can't relax until I do.

My car was broken into and a bunch of my gaming stuff was stolen. My dice bag was gone and so was my atari belt buckle that I was suppose to take that day and get made into a nice belt. They also took my prescription sunglass which made me mad, but the dice bag being stolen made me cry for quite a bit.

My poor car. I ended up having to get the window replaced as well and that bugged me because you can only get UV treated glass from the dealership and they wanted way more then I was willing to pay for it. I know a glass place that was able to get me a regular window and it works fine. I called the eye glasses place where I get my eye exam every other year and they were nice enough to give me a new pair for the same price I got my old pair. They aren't nearly as nice, but they will work until next year when I am due for a check up and replacement of my lenses anyway.

When I realized my dice bag was gone I had to go out and buy new dice. I've spent a lot of cash on dice in the last few weeks and it doesn't even match what I  had yet. I also wound up knitting my new dice bag, but I won't be posting that photo here. Those photos will be going on my blog that is about my knitting as this one is about my life and things I feel shouldn't be linked to my Facebook account.

I'm getting ready for the LSATs this october and it's kinda got me scared. I want to score well and I need to. The law school I want to go to has told me that the higher my LSAT score is, the less they will look at my GPA. However, I am confident I can get a decent enough score.

Courage...

I wish I had the courage to try to find a way to make knitting profitable so I wouldn't have to work so hard to get through college. It's not easy to balance a relationship, full time classes, and a job that has me working anywhere from 12 to 35 hours in a week. I only earn a few hundred and I know to some it's a lot of money or just enough to pay bills, but the stress is so horrid that I have trouble sleeping, staying awake in class, studying, and even just relaxing and having fun with the BF. I am going to have to find away to de-stress with all this on my plate. Maybe I should start really doing my photography thing for fun again. I use to wander the neighborhood and take pictures of the sky and scenery, I think I need to start doing that again...

It gets better.

This is a post for all the teens out there.

You've been called names, teased, made fun of. You've been made to feel that you are some how less because you aren't exactly like everyone else. You've been made to feel like you are less because you don't wear what is in style or you don't believe in showing cleavage or all of your legs. You've been made fun of for not being skinny, for being too skinny, for wearing glasses, for not having straight teeth or straight hair. You get teased for liking video games, or liking books too much, for being too smart and willing to participate.

You've been teased for being gay or appearing to be so. You've been teased for begin poorer then others or for not being someone that everyone else claims to be


Instead of hiding who you are, be proud of it! You are perfect as you are! I am a chubby chick with messed up teeth and brain. I have an addiction to books, horror flicks, magic the gathering, D&D, L5R, and anything else that could be considered nerdy and I am proud!

I knit, game, and watch tons of movies while I study. While in class, I speak my mind, take lots of notes, and will prove anyone wrong if I KNOW I am right! 

Hold your head high! Don't be ashamed of who you are! If you are different, EMBRACE IT!!!

It does get better, even if you never have tons of friends and don't always get the hot fun dates, being who you are and having a few close friends is more important then sacrificing your happiness. 

Thoughts

I have been called a lot of things in my life. Mostly it's people calling me a "Know-it-all". I get it, I really do, people don't appreciate it when someone is smarter then them or comes across as such. The program I am enrolled in for university has shocked me. Most of the people in my classes seem to have no desire to participate in class. Half of them choose not to even answer the questions that the professor poses, the other half either don't give the right answer or don't offer a complete one. I spend half the class bored out of my skull because these people are either very far behind or can't even pay attention long enough to finish the class with out the teacher having to go over things we were taught years ago while working on our AA degrees!

I don't mean to sound like I am stuck up, but it drives me batty that I seem to be the most intelligent person in the class room out side of the professor. Even in classes where I don't read the book all the time, I seem to be miles ahead of the rest of the class. Maybe it's because I am the only one willing to talk in class most of the time. Maybe it's because I have no fear of sharing my knowledge and letting people know what I know. I don't think knowledge should be kept to ones self. I think that people should freely share what they know and not be afraid of sharing what they know with all those around them.

When people bully others because they fell inferior or they think its "uncool" to be smart or come across as such, I find it to be incredibly unintelligent and childish.

Thoughts

Politics aren't about religious views, they are about important things, like education, taxes and safety. It is a woman's body and should she be raped whether it be a stranger, acquaintance or family, she shouldn't be forced to have the child, nor should she be forced to die because she has a medical necessity to have an abortion, a tubal pregnancy is a death sentence for a woman and so is uterian scar tissue. This doesn't mean I think a woman should use abortion as birth control, but it is her right as it is her body.

School...

School has been well. Going to class everyday, only missed one class. I've had two or three cancelled so far. I will be mentoring a young girl for the rest of the semester starting on Tuesday. For my evidence class we are talking about notices and witnesses, which blends in well with my Crim Pro class since we are on eyewitness and line ups. My jury class is talking about witnesses and testimony as well, but my juvenile justice class isn't really talking about much. We don't even start talking about the significant criminal cases for kids until next week for pete's sake! >.<

Other then that, my life has been ok. School has been well, life has been well. The bf took me on a super awesome date. We went to a really high end restaurant and it was all his treat! I loved it! So can't wait for my b-day!!!!

Readings....

So between work and school all I've had time to read is text books and the news. None of which are very uplifting when one looks at the world around them. I've found very interesting articles to read and I have been reading them during my resting time since I am laid up with a bladder infection. The saddest part about being sick is that it may have spread to my kidneys and if the antibiotics don't take care of the infection quickly enough, I may have to be put on an IV of even stronger medicine.

Back to my reading, http://valdostadailytimes.com/local/x1669710237/Lowndes-grading-guide-stirs-controversy   This article for instance shows that a school is talking about forcing teachers to force their students to redo their school work if the grade isn't appropriate... Not cool people. I've also been reading about sexuality. Yes, the Mormon reads of stuff like that too people. I was married at one point and time even though I'm only 24 at the time of writing this. I am a person who is fueled by knowledge and as far as I am concerned, nothing needs to be off limits if a person is truly to be well rounded.

And the race begins...Again...

Well, school is back in session and as usual, I have proven my insanity...

I am taking 14 units, which to most doesn't seem like much, but I am also working, dating, and going through a bankruptcy. Along with this, one of my classes requires me to play mentor to a kid. I really don't like most teenagers, nor do I like needles and such... This is gonna suck big ones >.<

I have to have a livescan done as well as a TB test >.<

Anger...

I think I'm beginning to feel a certain amount of hatred for my own congregation... It's hard to explain but given the ward/branch I belong in has taken all the words I have said about my ex-roommates and decided that my words aren't worth any looking into and haven't bothered to even try to see if what I had to say about them and their life style is true or not. No, they just take what that "group" has to say at face value and ignore the one person who has said something that no longer lives with them. I think seeing them at church and knowing the church is still supporting them despite the fact they are outright using the church for support of the economic means and not bothering to show up unless there is free food involved and them not suffering any repercussions has put a seed of anger and hatred in my heart. I may need to step back and walk away for a bit to let things cool down in my heart and mind. I may even walk away from a couple of things I am involved in as well within the church so that I may not have much contact with them either....

Rambles.....

I don't know why but for some reason I feel like rambling. Maybe it's because I've had a head ache for a few days, or because I over did it on food today, or because I'm really tired and should crawl into bed, but don't want to. But I do know that I've had a though going through my head for a few days now, everyone gets asked at least once in their life if they could go back and change anything, would they? Well for me at this point, my answer is: No, I wouldn't change a thing. Every ounce of pain, every tear I have shed, every drop of sweat that has fallen from my brow has helped make me who I am today. It has helped shape my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. I would never have learned how to stand for myself, voice what I want and take what I want when I have earned it. With out that pain and suffering, I never would have learned how to savor the sweet things in life and with out those sweet things I wouldn't have anything to look forward to or remember when painful, scary, or stressful situations arise.

I've also come to the rather scary conclusion that I do truly love my boyfriend and that I do want to marry him... The reason this scares me is simple really, I don't want to fall for someone so hard and that deeply that I can become seriously hurt. What got me to come to this conclusion you ask? Well, I had a visit with my visiting teacher and she asked if the BF and I had talked of marriage. Truth be told, yes, have. It's normal in a young couple is discuss such things and it shows that we are both looking to be adult about our lives and not just "Go with the flow". I do actually want to get married again, despite the emotional pain that my first marriage was and the nightmare it became towards the end. Part of what holds me back is the fear of becoming a burden on someone again. I don't want someone else to have to take care of me after I just discovered my ability to stand on my own two feet.

Rant done for now. I may come back to this post again and add more as the time is needed.

New years

So my New Years was interesting. We'll leave it at the BF and I had a long talk about things in our relationship and I feel things to be stronger then ever even if I feel insecure anyway. Trust may always be an issue with me because of how my last couple of relationships ended. Both exes chose to place the blame on my shoulders despite one of them chose to cheat and the other chose to listen to a bunch of lying back stabbing insert the word for despicable females. Yes, I am still mad about both break ups, but that's because both of them crushed me in ways that never should have happened. But on a better note, I've gotten a few knitting things done. I am nearly done with my first sweater and I have gotten a couple of minor projects out of the way such as a very pretty necklace. I am thinking of starting another knitting project, a small one as a distraction from the long duster length jacket I am currently working on. It's already to my knees and I can't wait to get to wear it. Though I will never wear it to school when I need to wear a backpack. I still have a couple of weeks to go before school starts and I want to get in as much relaxation as I can. I have been gaming as much as I can as well as knitting. But sadly this stupid thing called work keeps getting in the way lol. It is also part of the whole having a BF thing that keeps me from getting all the knitting I want to get done done lol. Well that's all for now post again soon