Monday, June 24, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
just a short prayer...
My job interview is in less than 48 hours. I pray to God I get this job. He knows I need this to get my life on the proper track. I pray his will is in the path of mine and this job is my path in this next stage of my life.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The Darker Side of My Life
As stated before, I'm a switch. This means I am both Dominant and Submissive. This also means that I have issues with certain labels in the 'kink' community. First off, let me say, I have no qualms with what people do in their bedrooms. What is done in people's private lives is their own choice and not much of my business.
But I am not part of the 'mainstream' 'kink' world. I can't be called a slave or a submissive, or a master or a dom in the truest sense of the word. I can dominate someone but I can't do it all the time or in every sexual encounter. Nor can I be submissive all the time or in every sexual encounter.
No one can own me...ever. I am the only person who owns me. I can give control over and let it go in certain aspects but I own myself and that's the end of it. I don't mind giving up control, but I can and do take it back. It's my personality.
I will never have a true master. I cannot have a true dom for myself. And it's not because I haven't met anyone who is more dominant then me, it's simply because I cannot and will not be owned.
But I am not part of the 'mainstream' 'kink' world. I can't be called a slave or a submissive, or a master or a dom in the truest sense of the word. I can dominate someone but I can't do it all the time or in every sexual encounter. Nor can I be submissive all the time or in every sexual encounter.
No one can own me...ever. I am the only person who owns me. I can give control over and let it go in certain aspects but I own myself and that's the end of it. I don't mind giving up control, but I can and do take it back. It's my personality.
I will never have a true master. I cannot have a true dom for myself. And it's not because I haven't met anyone who is more dominant then me, it's simply because I cannot and will not be owned.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A piece of myself
A piece of myself.
When I got married, I had no idea what sex really was. Sure, I had read the romance novels. I knew it was gonna hurt to truly become a "woman". What I didn't expect was to find myself wanting more from the sexual side of my marriage.
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
That being said, my marriage wasn't great. It ended in a divorce since he couldn't keep his pecker in his pants nor could he not be verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive. I don't mean he did weird shit during sex. I mean he forced me into most of the time.
Before I was married I knew a bit about sex. Every girl reads romance novels, whether she wants to admit it or not. I read A LOT of them. I knew what happened in the bed room and let me tell ya, my ex refused to do anything. It was all about his pleasure since in his mind it was all about children. Even though I was in birth control.
Here's the kicker, in the church sex is barely talked about. In fact all we're told is it's between a man and a woman (Something I don't agree with. who you love is who you love LGBT rights are cool too.) and it's only good within the confines of marriage. They don't really explain anything after that. It's left to the couple to figure out what they like. I wanted to experiment once I was married. My ex did not. He was almost puritanical about it.
Needless to say I know I'm not into what is called "Vanilla Intimacy" I'm a bit of a person who is into the kink kind of lifestyle.
Wait, OMG the Mormon is talking about nonconventional sex! Everyone quick get all scared and self righteous!
Look, I never said I was a conventional Mormon. I'm a more free wheeling Mormon. I don't think that the world is as black and white as religion makes it.
But back to what I was saying. My marriage blew up. He decided he wanted greener pastures (see OLD WOMAN). I let him go but it really hurt my ego and my heart. I spent many months wondering what was so unattractive about me. But I moved on met a couple of lovers. None of which really helped. Sure they tried. One tried to pull the "I'm the Master and you're the Slave" crap on me. Don't get me wrong, that kind of life style is great but it's not for me.
I've discovered over some time and a bit of self reflection that I am more into the kink life style but not a polarized one. In this world I'm known as a switch. I am both Dominant and Submissive. Both Master and Slave. My ability to give over control is hard to get. It takes a lot of trust for me to give over control of any kind. Even when I do. I generally snatch it back fairly quickly by means of sarcasm.
I've debated on weither or not I would post this because of what I plan on doing with my life and what my religion states. But if I am going to fully overcome the scars by ex-husband and horrid ass ex-boyfriend have caused I am going to have speak about what I have gone through and what I have learned about myself.
I enjoy an intimate life with some D/s it. No, I don't like to be hit *rolls eyes*. No, I am not wanting to relive the abuse I went through as a child and as a wife. I simply enjoy certain things that most people find...strange.
My life is my own but I chose to share this as an act to therapy. I have trouble letting go of control. So much so that I don't even feel comfortable talking about losing control. So bear with me as I start to give more of myself. I love my new fiancé and its hard to give myself to him in any way. Affection is even hard due to fear of losing control...
More posts on this subject soon
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Dear Men of the Church
Dear Men,
It has come to my attention that you are hard of heart, thought, and mind. You the men in the church that makes people think this church is misogynistic and has no respect for women. The church has said that abortion is ok under certain circumstances and they have never come out against birth control.
Do the church a favor and stop hiding your hatred towards the sexual health and safety of women and of women in general behind your false belief in God. Just because you think it is a woman's divine punishment when she gets raped and impregnated or when she is told she is going to die because she got pregnant doesn't mean that is what the TRUE followers of God think.
Men like you sicken me, you think your religious right and supposed moral authority gives you power over the rest of us. Well, I rebuke you and call you to repent for your attempt at unrighteous dominion.
I sincerely hope you never have a daughter so she doesn't grow up in a household that teaches her that having a voice and being willing to stand up for herself is wrong and that she should cow to any man who demands it of her. I hope any sons you may have learn that your beliefs are wrong and sinful and that they have a much larger and more open heart then you.
Sincerely,
A true believer of God and his commandments
It has come to my attention that you are hard of heart, thought, and mind. You the men in the church that makes people think this church is misogynistic and has no respect for women. The church has said that abortion is ok under certain circumstances and they have never come out against birth control.
Do the church a favor and stop hiding your hatred towards the sexual health and safety of women and of women in general behind your false belief in God. Just because you think it is a woman's divine punishment when she gets raped and impregnated or when she is told she is going to die because she got pregnant doesn't mean that is what the TRUE followers of God think.
Men like you sicken me, you think your religious right and supposed moral authority gives you power over the rest of us. Well, I rebuke you and call you to repent for your attempt at unrighteous dominion.
I sincerely hope you never have a daughter so she doesn't grow up in a household that teaches her that having a voice and being willing to stand up for herself is wrong and that she should cow to any man who demands it of her. I hope any sons you may have learn that your beliefs are wrong and sinful and that they have a much larger and more open heart then you.
Sincerely,
A true believer of God and his commandments
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
The long hiatus
So I took a bit of a hiatus this holiday. I just needed a bit of a break. School, work, and life in general just got crazy. I'm not big on the holidays. I generally get very remote and distant from nearly everyone and try to pick fights just so people will leave me alone. So this year I started early and just lost myself in school, work, and my knitting.
This new year hasn't been much better. I caught the one flu the CDC didn't expect and spent 2 weeks trapped in bed. Then I got a sinus infection and now it appears to have not gone away. Doc is running a blood test to see if it's in my blood since I've had a near constant head ache. Won't know the results until Monday, which is the same day that school starts.
I've also begun to notice that the older I get, the more short of temper I have begun to get. I don't have time for people's crap, drama, or whininess. I'm 25, fighting a debilitating disease, fighting to get through school, fighting to get into law school, and I'm trying to keep my life on track. I don't have time to pity people or feel sorry for them when many of them have a life that is far better then mine. I don't have time to hear some one complain about how broke they are when they are living with their parents rent and utility free. I'm tired of the spoiled behavior and the expectancy that they deserve more when they haven't earned it. I'm tired of seeing kids driving BMWs when they didn't pay for them. It's time for people to learn of the real world.
This new year hasn't been much better. I caught the one flu the CDC didn't expect and spent 2 weeks trapped in bed. Then I got a sinus infection and now it appears to have not gone away. Doc is running a blood test to see if it's in my blood since I've had a near constant head ache. Won't know the results until Monday, which is the same day that school starts.
I've also begun to notice that the older I get, the more short of temper I have begun to get. I don't have time for people's crap, drama, or whininess. I'm 25, fighting a debilitating disease, fighting to get through school, fighting to get into law school, and I'm trying to keep my life on track. I don't have time to pity people or feel sorry for them when many of them have a life that is far better then mine. I don't have time to hear some one complain about how broke they are when they are living with their parents rent and utility free. I'm tired of the spoiled behavior and the expectancy that they deserve more when they haven't earned it. I'm tired of seeing kids driving BMWs when they didn't pay for them. It's time for people to learn of the real world.
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