A Challenge

I challenge any "Christian" to show me in the New Testament as those are the words of Christ where he said anything about denying help to the poor, hoarding your wealth, and anything about homosexuality. It must be from the KJV and New Testament only or it is not the words of Christ.

I am...tired

I can't explain it any other way. I am tired. I can feel everything I believed in fading. I look around me and I see everyone else's lives going places while mine seems to be lingering and going to pot. 

It seems, the more I try to make myself a better person, the worse my life gets. People keep telling me it's that challenge God has put before me and the more I hear it, the less I believe it. If God really cared enough about little ol me I doubt my life would be this crappy for this long. Even people who's lives were worse then mine 6 months ago are now suddenly doing better then I.

I seems the world is against me any more. I can't seem to land a full-time job, my current part-time job is complete shit, and as usual I can't get medical coverage because I have too many health problems.

I don't have the support system everyone else does in law school. I don't have a husband working full-time while I go to school and don't work because he can pay the bills. I don't have parents to live with either. I have NO ONE to rely on. Oh sure, I have a fiancé  but he can barely make it as well and I won't move in with him as his roommates are disgusting pigs. And there is no way we could afford to live together, even with me working now.

It seems like nothing I do makes it better. Everything I've done to make my life better seems to make it all worse. The only bright spot I seem to have is the man I love and even that seems to be fading. He says he loves me but lately it's all been come ons and whining about the no sex until marriage thing and how I'm not affectionate enough or how he isn't happy about waiting for a few years while we get through school and whining about how he'll be "old" by the time HE can have kids. I feel like any more it's about how HIS life is effected by my choices and how the choices of those around him benefit him the best. 

When I got the crap job I have now, the first thing he said was that HE would get a program back under my name. When his mum got a settlement, he was all too happy to leap on going out and celebrating with her. 

It feels like the more he complains, the less it matters that it's about respecting my choices and who I am as a human being and the more it matters that he gets physical gratification. 

The people around me aren't much better. I now have nearly everyone around me pressuring me to cave in and just sleep with him and stop being so "mean" to him. The same with living with him. It's "mean" of me to not want to sleep with or live with him until we are married. It's "mean" of me to stick to my beliefs because everyone around me doesn't believe what I do. 

It's like my beliefs no longer matter because he put a ring on my finger. Now that I am engaged to be married I seem to no longer have my own identity or choices. 

The pressure to conform to what everyone wants or thinks I should be doing with my fiancé. And apparently that is violating every creed I live to and hold onto as a woman. 


School isn't much better anymore. It's like the longer I attend, the more glaring it becomes I don't and will never fit in with my class mates. I'm not rich enough, or married enough, or working full-time enough. Everyone else seems to always have time to do things with friends and family and it seems like I am alway studying and working and sleeping and getting no where. Everyone around me is doing great and it's like I'm just treading water. I don't even feel like I'm keeping my head above water any more.

I can't seem to make friends. I have tried. I have tried to reach out to people and it seems like no one wants me around. I have tried to join study groups and they kind of let me in and then just leave me out. I got my first grade back and it was good, but I don't know if it's even worth it to keep going if no one wants me around in classes or study groups either.


It feels like my life is going out of control and no one cares because nothing I do is right to them. I feel so tired and just ready to give up. Maybe it isn't worth it anymore. Maybe I'm just not worth it anymore.  Maybe it's just not worth trying to make things better. Maybe it's my fate to be a pathetic nobody like I was born. Maybe I'm not good enough to rise about being in the bottom of the poverty level, one step from being homeless. Maybe that's my fate for life and I'll never know what it's like to not worry about if I can make rent or eat or put gas in the car. Maybe I should just give up on it all.

Recent news

I've been seeing a lot of things on the news lately. Things I don't like. I have a beef with biggotism. A large beef with it. I also have a beef with classism and eliltism. Money does not mean everything. The fact that the richest people in the US and the large companies in the US do not wish to accept that they are responsible for their employees. They think it
is ok to pay a less than livable wage and to force their employees to survive on government assistance. They then lobby to have the same employees' wages taxed even higher to cover the cost of the government assistance while lobbying to have that same assistance reduced. It is time for an overhaul of the fed. It is time to let big business know that we will not take it anymore and we are taking the fed back as our own. For the People, by the People, of the People. Not the big business!!!!!!!

Thoughts...Again

It's amazing how hard it is to write about something personal and publish it, fearing rejection of scathing remarks, only to find the rejection is of a different kind. The rejection of lack of understanding. I'm sure people read the post and then simply moved on, seeing it as a cry for attention, when really it was a cry for understanding, something people seem less and less likely as the world goes from self-less to selfish. People don't want to care anymore. They want the world to revolve around them, why should they care if someone has a problem that can ruin their life, it's not harming anyone else. But the matter is, it does harm, it harms the whole world.

One person's phobia, especially one about money can cause more issues than a single selfish person can believe. The loss of one person who contributes to the economy is a devastation and the fact that people don't understand that really bugs the hell out of me.

A confession

So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.

I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.

I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.

I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.

People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.

People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.

Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.

NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!

I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.

First week

I've started a new job and walked away from my old one. I've also begun law school and man has it been nuts. I've already been given homework. My first assignment has been a lot harder then I thought. This writing assignment has tough, trying to explain one's own moral view is difficult, let alone trying to convince a trained attorney to take your side.  This assignment isn't easy and I am afraid I am sounding like a babbling idiot given I have no idea how to argue this subject.

Work has been fantastic. I've been making quota left and right and have already gone over the quota which makes me very happy.

Rant Time

So how is that a college graduate with a decent GPA and awesome letters of recommendations can't get a job?!

Particularly when the posting says very few people have applied for said position. Most of these companies cannot even give people the courtesy of sending a letter saying that someone else was chosen.

People end up wondering what it was they did wrong or what was wrong with their resume.

What ever happened to courtesy in the job hunting world!?