I said it...

Tonight when the BF left his mum's house where I have spent the last few days for Thanksgiving, I said those three words. Words I thought I wouldn't ever be able to feel, let alone say. I cried a bit at the piece of trust I've given him, he cried out of relief that I did give it to him. I cannot believe I just handed another man a loaded gun to my heart and I am trusting that he won't use it...

cute

cute

<a href='http://cheezburger.com/serindelionc/lolz/View/5408252160'><img class='event-item-lol-image' src='http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/11/7/0c3fb1b5-92aa-4eab-957a-12573828737f.jpg' id='_r_a_5408252160' title="Pwes  No lets go" alt="Pwes  No lets go" /></a>

Changes...

My relationship took a turn last night. Not sure if it's for good or bad though. Last night he said those three words, the words that terrify me to death and back again. He didn't expect to hear the words back, and he let me cry and make it clear I couldn't say those words yet. To be honest, I do care for him, deeply. But I can't bare to think that I may love him, nor do I think I can ever say the words... My lack of trust is terrible and it's starting to get better, but not at a speed I think it should be. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him already and that alone has kept me up all night as I still feel that he is going to eventually decide the waiting for physical intimacy isn't worth it and that I am not worth it. I've told him such and he tells me every time that it's not going to happen but I can't help but wonder... During our talking last night he confessed he did try to date someone else, for a one night stand and it didn't even work. He couldn't even kiss the woman. He says I've ruined him for other women and that sort of makes me feel really really good about myself.

The sad thing is, I still can't kiss him like he does me. Kissing is a very erotic thing for me, it's a massive turn on and when I start to respond with even the slightest amount of intensity, I freak out and pull away. I know it saddens him even if he says it doesn't and that he has plenty of patience to wait for me. But it hurts my heart to know I'm to afraid to open up to him and be who and what he wants me to be. He's happy with me being who I am but he's sad that I can't be at peace with our relationship or at least that's what I've inferred.

Must think more about all this, must read my heart....


As always I would love to hear your thoughts and comments if you would like to leave them ^_^

Falling

It's almost scary that I'm falling again. Only a man could get me this all tied up in knots... It scares the hell outta me. Opening my heart to another is just plain the scariest thing I can think of.

Hmm...

So life has been interesting...

The dating thing has seemed to have gotten serious...Not sure how to describe it. I mean, I knew from the beginning he wasn't looking to just casually date someone. I knew he was looking for his life long companion, but I'm beginning to think he really does want me and thinks that may be me for him... But the part of me that's been so hurt and scarred by the men in my past, that makes part of me wonder when he's going to change his mind. He tells me he won't, but a part of me is afraid he will...